Hello dear old blog,
It's been a long while. I moved to a new blogging space when i got married that more represents the life i have with my husband. But i miss this place. This place where i have safety and where my heart has been poured out over the years.
So here i am again.
Lately life has been getting ready to change. Or i am getting ready to change. Life has been waiting for me for a while but like always i have been dragging my heels in protest.
In this season i think my biggest challenge is trust and surrender....not that it always hasn't been. If you go back through this blog of mine i am sure you will find very similar thoughts spilled out.
I was reading Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist the other day and she was talking about swimming and how if you are in the ocean and try to stand against a wave it will smash you to bits but if you let it carry you you will be okay. That's where i am in life right now, somewhere between standing with my feet buried in the sand and ready to let go and be carried.
Oh how tired my body is from this clinching of fists and locking of knees. I want to just let go and float and let the waves carry me but i am so scared of the unknown waters.
How beautiful it could be to be as Jesus and say "Into Your hands I commit my spirit".
I know it is time to let God do the growing and sailing. Too long i have been stagnant and selfish, in love with my own life and time. Not that loving my life is bad, but staying in one place when i know God wants to take me to new waters is. No longer can i be the little girl anymore. It's time to step up. It's time to grow, It's time to see what God has planned.
And i know if i do let go and surrender and trust it could be something more beautiful then i ever imaged.
Father, help me trust in you and your path. Put strength in me to become the woman you intended.
~C
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Friday, February 21, 2014
Tangled Trees
What's the difference between truth and lies when they are one in the same?
Can somebody read between these gray lines that tangle through my soul, my heart and my brain.
Because the sky in my muddled mind is turning darker than night and I think I just need to to be held by the stars arms tonight
I just can't seem to understand the point of fighting so hard in a hopeless fight. When I know the truth and the truth is a part of the lie.
Like tangled trees which are separate yet one in the same, is my muddled heart's hope and my tarnished brain's ache.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Speak Softly
Speak softly to me baby
Hold me close tonight.
I need to feel close to you
Need to feel alright.
Lately life has been crazy and we are both tired
So speak softly to me baby
Until the morning light.
I need to feel your soft lips against mine
And i need to hear you whisper to me tonight.
To feel your warm breath on my skin
And to feel wanted, needed and alive again.
You may think me needy
And i admit it's true
My sweet boy i just need you.
These days are harsh
And they have left me burned through
On this night i just need some sweet talk with you.
So speak softly to me my baby
Please hold me close tonight.
Tell me you'll always love me
And this life will be alright.
~CW
Hold me close tonight.
I need to feel close to you
Need to feel alright.
Lately life has been crazy and we are both tired
So speak softly to me baby
Until the morning light.
I need to feel your soft lips against mine
And i need to hear you whisper to me tonight.
To feel your warm breath on my skin
And to feel wanted, needed and alive again.
You may think me needy
And i admit it's true
My sweet boy i just need you.
These days are harsh
And they have left me burned through
On this night i just need some sweet talk with you.
So speak softly to me my baby
Please hold me close tonight.
Tell me you'll always love me
And this life will be alright.
~CW
Monday, July 22, 2013
To See Beauty
I want to cover my body in paint; beautiful bursts of colors.
I want to swim in the rain and bathe in the sun rays.
Roll in the soft green grass, run through the woods, dip my feet in the cool creak and feel what it is like to truly breathe.
I want to see beauty.
To feel the wind on my skin and the earth under my bare heels, spend the daylight in the sun and the night counting the stars.
I need to feel free, like i have a divine destiny. But these days i feel old and colorless and alone.
I was made to live with reckless abandon, made to dance in white dresses. So where is my dress and where is my adventure? I think I've been looking away from the divine picture.
My soul is tired from these normal days and yet i can't find the will to change.
Then you come in like a cool fall wind, breathe into my lungs and remind me to exhale again.
"You are never consumed" you say, "you are never alone", "my love goes with you wherever you go".
In the stillness of the moment you meet me there and move me to believe your love is truly all i need.
You are the beauty i long to see.
"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” - Lamentations 3:22-24
~CW
I want to swim in the rain and bathe in the sun rays.
Roll in the soft green grass, run through the woods, dip my feet in the cool creak and feel what it is like to truly breathe.
I want to see beauty.
To feel the wind on my skin and the earth under my bare heels, spend the daylight in the sun and the night counting the stars.
I need to feel free, like i have a divine destiny. But these days i feel old and colorless and alone.
I was made to live with reckless abandon, made to dance in white dresses. So where is my dress and where is my adventure? I think I've been looking away from the divine picture.
My soul is tired from these normal days and yet i can't find the will to change.
Then you come in like a cool fall wind, breathe into my lungs and remind me to exhale again.
"You are never consumed" you say, "you are never alone", "my love goes with you wherever you go".
In the stillness of the moment you meet me there and move me to believe your love is truly all i need.
You are the beauty i long to see.
"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” - Lamentations 3:22-24
~CW
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Sicky thoughts and overdue emotions...
I feel not so good tonight...sick being one of the reasons. But there are others.
I think that so many times i focus on other people and their well being that i forget about mine. I'm a worrier...if someone i love is in pain that is all i think about. But, in doing that i push off my own emotions and eventually they come up to bite me.
I'm a little overwhelmed with my own feelings as of late...i know it's the enemy attacking my happiness but i can't help but give in and really believe its true. I strive so much for perfection. I always have but at this moment in life its is all i want. All these insecurities and wants are popping up and i feel a bit out of control.
Life is a bit stressful right now with my husband having a big project deadline in the next couple months so i know i shouldn't be focusing on my issues but be helping him...but that's just it, when he works a lot all i have is time to focus on my issues.
I'm not sure what it is these days...or maybe i am...idk. I just feel like someone striving for everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe i'm board...maybe i'm lonely...maybe i just feel like i have something to prove. I'm pretty sure its the last one. All i know is i am about to burst in tears...or go on a big shopping binge...neither one will be pretty.
I've discovered something about myself: i am an emotional shopper. Yup. I am not proud of this. Thankfully i also have a hate for spending money so it equals and hasn't gotten bad...i just spend a long time on clothing sites and browse but not buy (that often).
I just feel like if i don't change my life now it will never change, i will feel this way forever and at this moment i don't think i can take that. I'm sick of feeling the way i have for most my life and i want to be over it. Just change it and be done with this crap.
Anycats, i guess i better get my sick self to bed. Hope for new mercies is want keeps me going. Goodnight world.
~Cec
I think that so many times i focus on other people and their well being that i forget about mine. I'm a worrier...if someone i love is in pain that is all i think about. But, in doing that i push off my own emotions and eventually they come up to bite me.
I'm a little overwhelmed with my own feelings as of late...i know it's the enemy attacking my happiness but i can't help but give in and really believe its true. I strive so much for perfection. I always have but at this moment in life its is all i want. All these insecurities and wants are popping up and i feel a bit out of control.
Life is a bit stressful right now with my husband having a big project deadline in the next couple months so i know i shouldn't be focusing on my issues but be helping him...but that's just it, when he works a lot all i have is time to focus on my issues.
I'm not sure what it is these days...or maybe i am...idk. I just feel like someone striving for everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe i'm board...maybe i'm lonely...maybe i just feel like i have something to prove. I'm pretty sure its the last one. All i know is i am about to burst in tears...or go on a big shopping binge...neither one will be pretty.
I've discovered something about myself: i am an emotional shopper. Yup. I am not proud of this. Thankfully i also have a hate for spending money so it equals and hasn't gotten bad...i just spend a long time on clothing sites and browse but not buy (that often).
I just feel like if i don't change my life now it will never change, i will feel this way forever and at this moment i don't think i can take that. I'm sick of feeling the way i have for most my life and i want to be over it. Just change it and be done with this crap.
Anycats, i guess i better get my sick self to bed. Hope for new mercies is want keeps me going. Goodnight world.
~Cec
Friday, December 7, 2012
Roots and Shadows
Things are a little weird tonight..rather, I feel a little weird tonight.
Lately I've been thinking about roots..settling down here, planting...belonging. It is want i want so much, but it is so hard!
People have been reaching out to me, which feels great...but it still makes me feel weird. I guess I just feel nervous...it's been a hard year for friendships..and I'm scared to let myself be known.
It's hard for me let people close...I guess I'm scared It won't last. But, over time love has grown for things and for many people and I want to be close...but there is still that wall I keep up...I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is hard to come into a life that already started years ago. Where people of the past are still are present for the people of your future.
Sometimes I feel like i will always be living the shadow of past memories and feelings I don't fit in.
At the same time, I long to fit.,.to be a part of a close knit circle. I want to know and be known. To be family. I want roots. Deep roots. The kind you can't break. I want a family so big. I want to trust, trust that i fit and the past is no longer in the future. I want big family Christmases and photos and kids playing in the snow.
So I guess tonight I am just thinking, about where i feel and where I want to be, and hope they are not too far away.
I also want the slut of an ex my husband has to stop pathetically writing him so we can all move on.
That was honest, but frick it's my blog.
Okay, I should sleep now. Guess its just hard being new. My heart is so overwhelmed with all this new love and feelings.
Lately I've been thinking about roots..settling down here, planting...belonging. It is want i want so much, but it is so hard!
People have been reaching out to me, which feels great...but it still makes me feel weird. I guess I just feel nervous...it's been a hard year for friendships..and I'm scared to let myself be known.
It's hard for me let people close...I guess I'm scared It won't last. But, over time love has grown for things and for many people and I want to be close...but there is still that wall I keep up...I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is hard to come into a life that already started years ago. Where people of the past are still are present for the people of your future.
Sometimes I feel like i will always be living the shadow of past memories and feelings I don't fit in.
At the same time, I long to fit.,.to be a part of a close knit circle. I want to know and be known. To be family. I want roots. Deep roots. The kind you can't break. I want a family so big. I want to trust, trust that i fit and the past is no longer in the future. I want big family Christmases and photos and kids playing in the snow.
So I guess tonight I am just thinking, about where i feel and where I want to be, and hope they are not too far away.
I also want the slut of an ex my husband has to stop pathetically writing him so we can all move on.
That was honest, but frick it's my blog.
Okay, I should sleep now. Guess its just hard being new. My heart is so overwhelmed with all this new love and feelings.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Sleeping Sweet
I wrote this last September when my now husband and i were apart while we was home in Georgia, and i was home in Texas. So happy i have him with me forever now <3
Sleeping Sweet
Tonight I can’t sleep, I cannot find rest at all. No this midnight hour is not kind, for you are the only thing that is on my mind. I cannot get it to shut down, I can’t get my heart to drown my thoughts of you out.
I am but a lonely girl, I am but a longing heart, wishing to be held in this room so empty, silent, and dark. So tonight I’m going to pretend you are here, no tonight you will not be 16 hours away, tonight in my heart’s mind, right next to me you lay.
Tonight I will pretend your arms are holding me tight, your body is pressed up against mine as I sleep peacefully through the night.
The beat of your heart and the sound of your breathing are so soothing, it is my sweet lullaby; my darling, you have become my midnight song.
A swirling rhythm, a cradling sound; your melody surrounds me my love, and my home I have found.
It is in your strong arms.
As I close my eyes tight I will almost be able to feel your warm breath on my skin, i will make myself believe it is not pretend.
Tonight I will pull you in close and I will snuggle in tight, with my legs wrapped in your legs, I will not move an inch until the call of the morning’s light.
Tonight I will sleep with you next to me, I will cuddle you like I did before, and I then will sleep sweetly once more.
Oh, what lovely sleep you give me.
~Cecily Priscilla
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