"D" for dysfunctional.

Sometimes, when my mind drifts and i think about it, i regret that it never happened. You can determine what "it" is. But really, in my heart, i don't. In my heart, which is so conflicted sometimes (all the time) i know that He had my best interest at heart. So I've been thinking, and i have come to the conclusion that i really i have no idea what i need. I have no idea what is best for me, and what is not...maybe somewhere deep down there's a voice that tells me, but i don't listen to that voice, because that voice rips me from you. I heard that voice before, i heard it so clearly for weeks, i felt that voice nudging me to speak up, to confront...but i didn't.

No one in this word infuriates me more than you do, and that fact really annoys me. Punching you would be so sweet, hugging you is my fantasy...tell me, what the hell am i supposed to do with that? Should love really make you so angry, so pissed off, so furious and frustrated? I want to throw you up against a brick wall, steal the breathe from your lungs with my kiss...you always were so twisted dear, but so am i. Look what you have me thinking love, what you make me feel...anger, and desire all at the same time. It's not right. I thought it was going to be different. Maybe i was wrong...but i think i am right, love is not, and can not, be a fruitless fight. Love can't be a circular triangle of mixed emotions and roller coaster premonitions. Love can't be "i think i should stay" and then turn around and say "i think it's best for me to leave". I refuse to accept that love is disposable, and reversible. Love is not bipolar, love is not selfish and cold, like you, like him. This is not what i waited my whole life for. You are not what i am waiting for. And yet, my heart still longs to hold you again...to be near you, and feel you so close to me...to snuggle into you and lay my head against your chest...to hold your hand in mine again. Why? I don't want this. I don't want you. You offered me an illusion, a mirage of you and i...so close, and yet so far away...so fake, yet so deeply burning real. You're not real, you never were. I need real. I deserve more than you offered. I don't want what you have to offer me, i won't settle for less than all of your heart. You won't give me more than your rehearsed lines, i won't give you what's not yours. Nothing has changed has it? Yet, we are so different aren't we? Living on opposite sides of the universe, staring through double sided glass, never in time with each others beat. You are the one that will plague me, i am the one that will always be in your heart. Oh what a tragic tale love is, i only wish i would have known before i let you in...

I would have done things the same.








~Cecily Priscilla

So far away, my friend...i miss you.

I miss you...it's weird to go from being so close to being so far away. I really just miss you...just you. I want to talk with you, laugh with you...i want us to hang out like we used to. Remember all the jokes, the ones that couldn't have been less funny but always made us cry from laughing so hard? Remember the visits, the car rides, the trips...i remember them so well. I really miss you. It's like we live on separate planets. You and i, we chose different roads. We all chose different roads. You used to be right there running next to me, then somewhere you lost your footing and fell behind. You left me running alone. You left us. Take my hand again, friend. Take my hand, i'm reaching for you. Don't get off the path, stop letting the world turn your head. Come back and run with me again. Come back to us, because i miss you. You left a hole, yes when you left you took a part of my heart, the part that was and is reserved for you, that part of me could never be filled by anyone else, it's yours friend. You are my heart. I miss my friend. I miss my friend so, so dearly. I'm always here for you. You can always call on me, and i will help you run again. I love you...you should know i love you.





~Cecily Priscilla

Summertime spontaneity...oh how you scare me.

In the summertime i tend to get myself into things then i often wonder "what the hell did i just get myself into??!!" Yeah. Last summer i decided to just say yes to something because it was exciting and i was way too curious and smitten, and for a while (short while) it was great...then it just lead to me getting ignored for a week and a half and getting the "kiss off" (inside joke) with a fifteen minute phone call....not really a moment that made me say "yay", it more made me say "screw you, you selfish, indecisive, dramatic jerk".

However, despite the crappy ending, i wouldn't trade any of the moments that came before, because i really loved every second i got to spend with that person, and those memories made my summer.


So why am i reflecting on a bad past "almost relationship". Well, because i am once again finding myself saying "what the hell did i get myself into?" and i really need to remind myself that taking chances and stepping out of my comfort zone can be a good thing....and my "almost relationship" with a guy i met online is my best example...that's sad...wish i had a more of an exciting example...boys can be so boring.

Anycats, the upcoming things in my life are terrifying me because i feel so unprepared. Change and new things are uncomfortable, i'm scarred of not finding a small bit of comfort in these new things...i'm scarred i won't settle in well...that i won't fit.

I tend to over think things, i think about something over and over so much that i freak out about every little detail and thing that could possibly go wrong. That's why i made the vow to stop over thinking...to just jump. Not easy sometimes, and right now i'm finding it not too easy.

At the beginning of the year i made the commitment to never say "no" to any door that opened in front of me. I made the vow to step right into the unknown...to pursue it. I prayed for change, i asked God to give me new and exciting things...especially after that stupid "15 minute phone call" (that is now a source of humor for myself and my friends). My new year prayer was for new, happy, exciting, and substantial things...things that won't fade away, but things and opportunities that are eternal.

Now, summer again, i see that God is giving me the things i asked Him for...He's giving me so much, so many opportunities to give, and love, and serve, and grow. God is giving me "new", He's giving me "exciting" and He's giving me "substance". And i can't wait to see what is next.

BUT, while God is trying to work in my life, i am terrified of what that means for me...what that means for my comfort. It's going to be a lot of work, and it's going to be sticky and messy and weird and awkward...but, can't i handle that? I mean, i pretty darn good with "awkward" and "weird". So yes, i can handle that. I am a very strong woman of God, and i can handle anything that comes my way, so long as i am connected and following my Lord. I have overcome many things, i can take on the world. Everything is scary when you first try it. One thing i learned is that every single person feels awkward...everyone is just trying to find their place...and i find so much comfort in knowing that! lol. I just have to remind myself of it.

So, i will step out. I will take a deep breathe, and get into this messy, beautiful, and sometimes uncomfortable world. And i will have fun. Yes, i will have fun and smile while i am learning new things and experiencing the doors that God has opened for me. I will discover what He wants to teach me though all the newness, and i will bring that knowledge back with me.






I pray once again dear Father, please bring me new and beautiful things, bring me exciting and happy smile things. Please use my life, use all of me, for Your glory and purpose. I want to be Your hands and feet to this world, so take me where You want me to be. Only let me say what You want me to say, and do only what You want me to do. I dedicate this time in my life to You God, my Savior, my King, my Love. Take me on an adventure, Father. Let my life be one of substance and eternal truths, let my life be a testament to Your saving grace. Be with me dear Lord, don't ever leave my side for a second, i need You right now, i need You with me so i can do these things. Please take my hand, and hold my heart, and protect me from harm and emotional pain. Heal the things in me that hurt, take my shame, pain, rejection, fear, anger, insecurity, and every thing that blocks You from me. Heal it all and make it shine with Your light. Make my life a beautiful portrait of You. I love you Lord, I love you so much. I praise you Father, for You are Truth. You set me free. Thank you for loving me. Please continue to be with me through all these changes. In Jesus mighty name i pray, Amen.





~Cecily Priscilla

Discontented dreams and scattered thoughts…

Tonight I'm feeling a bit frustrated, i guess some things have been on my mind lately. I had a couple sucky dreams last night, one was another one of my reoccurring tornado dreams, and the other,well...it just left me in a weird mood all day. You know those dreams that you have that seem so real, you can feel everything as if it were happening...and then you wake up and realize that it was just all a dream, and it's not real....yeah i had one of those dreams last night. I hate those dreams the most, they leave you feeling discontent and dissatisfied. They leave you in a daze, and they leave you wanting.

I don't know why i feel like i should apologize for feeling these feelings, because i know they are valid. But i feel like i shouldn't feel them, that it is selfish, foolish, and childish (that's a lot of "ish's") to feel this way.

I'm so ready for change. I'm so ready for new and exciting. Not that i don't like my life right now, because i actually do like it a lot....i love the new and amazing things God has given me...He has given me a youth ministry and i am just loving it! But, i am ready for a new stage in my life, and i think God has been preparing for some of it...all of it. And I'm ready for it. Turning 21 really did that to me; it made me ready to live. And live i shall, there is so much life to live...so much to feel and experience.

Anyhow,i feel a bit detached today...and a bit scared? Sometimes i really freak out at the possibility of opening up to people, especially new people. Today i was doing some thinking about the future and instantly the first thing that went through my head was "I'm not going let anyone get too close to me! I'm not going to open up!". Wow. I thought i was waaaay past that. I guess I'm not...at least sometimes. I sometimes want to just close my heart off, just put up walls...i want to be stubborn...i want to just brush off emotion. But yet, i long to be known. I long to be held, and loved. I long to talk, and share, and connect. I am a very relational person, i thrive on human connection, i need to know people, and i need them to know me. I very much love people, i love their diversity and uniqueness, and i love meeting new people who then become new friends. But, i have no more tolerance left in me to keep getting hurt and being taken for granted. I really just am a bit nervous to get to know someone, because in my experience people are incredibly fickle and selfish, and they leave when they get restless. This i know is their problem and not mine, but still, it doesn't feel too great when i get the brunt of it. But, i am not a cynic (or at least i try not to be), and i know that there are amazing people out there who are not so crappy. How do i know this? Well, because i have some of the most beautiful and special, and wonderful people in my life. My friends and family are the most incredible people i know, and i am beyond blessed to know them and have such a deep and special connection with them. They are my heart. So, in conclusion, i will keep on opening my heart...like i can help it anyway, it's just who i am, i can't help but to love and share.

*Sigh* I'm sleepy. So this blog is now going to end, because i have to get to sleep and then wake up and live my life with the beautiful people God has given me. And who knows what tomorrow may hold anyway...i may bake some cupcakes…or maybe that Paula Dean frosting i just saw on her show today….and then there's a couple other new recipes i want to try out. And i have to study for my youth meeting I'm leading on Sunday, so that should be...interesting? lol. But, maybe somewhere in there, there will be something new and spontaneous...something exciting. Something to giggle about, because i quite love giggling. Cheers!

~Cecily Priscilla