Things are a little weird tonight..rather, I feel a little weird tonight.
Lately I've been thinking about roots..settling down here, planting...belonging. It is want i want so much, but it is so hard!
People have been reaching out to me, which feels great...but it still makes me feel weird. I guess I just feel nervous...it's been a hard year for friendships..and I'm scared to let myself be known.
It's hard for me let people close...I guess I'm scared It won't last. But, over time love has grown for things and for many people and I want to be close...but there is still that wall I keep up...I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is hard to come into a life that already started years ago. Where people of the past are still are present for the people of your future.
Sometimes I feel like i will always be living the shadow of past memories and feelings I don't fit in.
At the same time, I long to fit.,.to be a part of a close knit circle. I want to know and be known. To be family. I want roots. Deep roots. The kind you can't break. I want a family so big. I want to trust, trust that i fit and the past is no longer in the future. I want big family Christmases and photos and kids playing in the snow.
So I guess tonight I am just thinking, about where i feel and where I want to be, and hope they are not too far away.
I also want the slut of an ex my husband has to stop pathetically writing him so we can all move on.
That was honest, but frick it's my blog.
Okay, I should sleep now. Guess its just hard being new. My heart is so overwhelmed with all this new love and feelings.
