To find you / I believe in LOVE.

Do i even know you anymore? Would i even know you? You seem so very far way...worlds and oceans. I miss you my sweet boy. I miss your arms around me. I miss your scruffy beard against my cheek, and the way it used to mess up my hair when you laid your head atop mine. I look at our pictures and it is clear, i do not know you anymore my friend. You are gone. You, my sweet strong boy, you have changed so very much. You are not the same...but then again neither am i. Could we find each other again? You and i, could we find our way back to a place where we share hearts again. Maybe we could find a better place this time,one that won't go up in flames, or be rocked by the worlds storms and quakes. I want to find you; I pray to God you want to find me too. Let us ask our Lord to show us where to look. Look for me my love, please look all around you...find me my dear.





I was reading through some older documents on my computer when i came across that ^....i wrote it last year. It's pretty obvious what i was feeling...i missed the guy i loved and i wanted to know him again. The heart is a funny thing, it feels things that you can't explain or understand...and it feels these things whether you like it or not. I'm not very fond of love, only because i hate when it ends and i have to detach myself from the person that i felt so deeply for...it hurts like hell, and feels like death...and i guess in some ways it is;it's the death of a friendship. I hate missing someone so much that you feel like your heart is going to explode. I've come to find out love is like getting punched in the gut over and over and over, leaving you breathless, exhausted and dazed. However, i refuse to be a jaded person (even though i am on many days), and i have to believe that love doesn't have to hurt, that it heals and sooths, instead of breaking and bruising. I believe in true love. I believe in honest, pure, raw, and real true love. Dear God, help me believe you redeem the human heart.










~Cecily Priscilla

"D" for dysfunctional.

Sometimes, when my mind drifts and i think about it, i regret that it never happened. You can determine what "it" is. But really, in my heart, i don't. In my heart, which is so conflicted sometimes (all the time) i know that He had my best interest at heart. So I've been thinking, and i have come to the conclusion that i really i have no idea what i need. I have no idea what is best for me, and what is not...maybe somewhere deep down there's a voice that tells me, but i don't listen to that voice, because that voice rips me from you. I heard that voice before, i heard it so clearly for weeks, i felt that voice nudging me to speak up, to confront...but i didn't.

No one in this word infuriates me more than you do, and that fact really annoys me. Punching you would be so sweet, hugging you is my fantasy...tell me, what the hell am i supposed to do with that? Should love really make you so angry, so pissed off, so furious and frustrated? I want to throw you up against a brick wall, steal the breathe from your lungs with my kiss...you always were so twisted dear, but so am i. Look what you have me thinking love, what you make me feel...anger, and desire all at the same time. It's not right. I thought it was going to be different. Maybe i was wrong...but i think i am right, love is not, and can not, be a fruitless fight. Love can't be a circular triangle of mixed emotions and roller coaster premonitions. Love can't be "i think i should stay" and then turn around and say "i think it's best for me to leave". I refuse to accept that love is disposable, and reversible. Love is not bipolar, love is not selfish and cold, like you, like him. This is not what i waited my whole life for. You are not what i am waiting for. And yet, my heart still longs to hold you again...to be near you, and feel you so close to me...to snuggle into you and lay my head against your chest...to hold your hand in mine again. Why? I don't want this. I don't want you. You offered me an illusion, a mirage of you and i...so close, and yet so far away...so fake, yet so deeply burning real. You're not real, you never were. I need real. I deserve more than you offered. I don't want what you have to offer me, i won't settle for less than all of your heart. You won't give me more than your rehearsed lines, i won't give you what's not yours. Nothing has changed has it? Yet, we are so different aren't we? Living on opposite sides of the universe, staring through double sided glass, never in time with each others beat. You are the one that will plague me, i am the one that will always be in your heart. Oh what a tragic tale love is, i only wish i would have known before i let you in...

I would have done things the same.








~Cecily Priscilla

So far away, my friend...i miss you.

I miss you...it's weird to go from being so close to being so far away. I really just miss you...just you. I want to talk with you, laugh with you...i want us to hang out like we used to. Remember all the jokes, the ones that couldn't have been less funny but always made us cry from laughing so hard? Remember the visits, the car rides, the trips...i remember them so well. I really miss you. It's like we live on separate planets. You and i, we chose different roads. We all chose different roads. You used to be right there running next to me, then somewhere you lost your footing and fell behind. You left me running alone. You left us. Take my hand again, friend. Take my hand, i'm reaching for you. Don't get off the path, stop letting the world turn your head. Come back and run with me again. Come back to us, because i miss you. You left a hole, yes when you left you took a part of my heart, the part that was and is reserved for you, that part of me could never be filled by anyone else, it's yours friend. You are my heart. I miss my friend. I miss my friend so, so dearly. I'm always here for you. You can always call on me, and i will help you run again. I love you...you should know i love you.





~Cecily Priscilla

Summertime spontaneity...oh how you scare me.

In the summertime i tend to get myself into things then i often wonder "what the hell did i just get myself into??!!" Yeah. Last summer i decided to just say yes to something because it was exciting and i was way too curious and smitten, and for a while (short while) it was great...then it just lead to me getting ignored for a week and a half and getting the "kiss off" (inside joke) with a fifteen minute phone call....not really a moment that made me say "yay", it more made me say "screw you, you selfish, indecisive, dramatic jerk".

However, despite the crappy ending, i wouldn't trade any of the moments that came before, because i really loved every second i got to spend with that person, and those memories made my summer.


So why am i reflecting on a bad past "almost relationship". Well, because i am once again finding myself saying "what the hell did i get myself into?" and i really need to remind myself that taking chances and stepping out of my comfort zone can be a good thing....and my "almost relationship" with a guy i met online is my best example...that's sad...wish i had a more of an exciting example...boys can be so boring.

Anycats, the upcoming things in my life are terrifying me because i feel so unprepared. Change and new things are uncomfortable, i'm scarred of not finding a small bit of comfort in these new things...i'm scarred i won't settle in well...that i won't fit.

I tend to over think things, i think about something over and over so much that i freak out about every little detail and thing that could possibly go wrong. That's why i made the vow to stop over thinking...to just jump. Not easy sometimes, and right now i'm finding it not too easy.

At the beginning of the year i made the commitment to never say "no" to any door that opened in front of me. I made the vow to step right into the unknown...to pursue it. I prayed for change, i asked God to give me new and exciting things...especially after that stupid "15 minute phone call" (that is now a source of humor for myself and my friends). My new year prayer was for new, happy, exciting, and substantial things...things that won't fade away, but things and opportunities that are eternal.

Now, summer again, i see that God is giving me the things i asked Him for...He's giving me so much, so many opportunities to give, and love, and serve, and grow. God is giving me "new", He's giving me "exciting" and He's giving me "substance". And i can't wait to see what is next.

BUT, while God is trying to work in my life, i am terrified of what that means for me...what that means for my comfort. It's going to be a lot of work, and it's going to be sticky and messy and weird and awkward...but, can't i handle that? I mean, i pretty darn good with "awkward" and "weird". So yes, i can handle that. I am a very strong woman of God, and i can handle anything that comes my way, so long as i am connected and following my Lord. I have overcome many things, i can take on the world. Everything is scary when you first try it. One thing i learned is that every single person feels awkward...everyone is just trying to find their place...and i find so much comfort in knowing that! lol. I just have to remind myself of it.

So, i will step out. I will take a deep breathe, and get into this messy, beautiful, and sometimes uncomfortable world. And i will have fun. Yes, i will have fun and smile while i am learning new things and experiencing the doors that God has opened for me. I will discover what He wants to teach me though all the newness, and i will bring that knowledge back with me.






I pray once again dear Father, please bring me new and beautiful things, bring me exciting and happy smile things. Please use my life, use all of me, for Your glory and purpose. I want to be Your hands and feet to this world, so take me where You want me to be. Only let me say what You want me to say, and do only what You want me to do. I dedicate this time in my life to You God, my Savior, my King, my Love. Take me on an adventure, Father. Let my life be one of substance and eternal truths, let my life be a testament to Your saving grace. Be with me dear Lord, don't ever leave my side for a second, i need You right now, i need You with me so i can do these things. Please take my hand, and hold my heart, and protect me from harm and emotional pain. Heal the things in me that hurt, take my shame, pain, rejection, fear, anger, insecurity, and every thing that blocks You from me. Heal it all and make it shine with Your light. Make my life a beautiful portrait of You. I love you Lord, I love you so much. I praise you Father, for You are Truth. You set me free. Thank you for loving me. Please continue to be with me through all these changes. In Jesus mighty name i pray, Amen.





~Cecily Priscilla

Discontented dreams and scattered thoughts…

Tonight I'm feeling a bit frustrated, i guess some things have been on my mind lately. I had a couple sucky dreams last night, one was another one of my reoccurring tornado dreams, and the other,well...it just left me in a weird mood all day. You know those dreams that you have that seem so real, you can feel everything as if it were happening...and then you wake up and realize that it was just all a dream, and it's not real....yeah i had one of those dreams last night. I hate those dreams the most, they leave you feeling discontent and dissatisfied. They leave you in a daze, and they leave you wanting.

I don't know why i feel like i should apologize for feeling these feelings, because i know they are valid. But i feel like i shouldn't feel them, that it is selfish, foolish, and childish (that's a lot of "ish's") to feel this way.

I'm so ready for change. I'm so ready for new and exciting. Not that i don't like my life right now, because i actually do like it a lot....i love the new and amazing things God has given me...He has given me a youth ministry and i am just loving it! But, i am ready for a new stage in my life, and i think God has been preparing for some of it...all of it. And I'm ready for it. Turning 21 really did that to me; it made me ready to live. And live i shall, there is so much life to live...so much to feel and experience.

Anyhow,i feel a bit detached today...and a bit scared? Sometimes i really freak out at the possibility of opening up to people, especially new people. Today i was doing some thinking about the future and instantly the first thing that went through my head was "I'm not going let anyone get too close to me! I'm not going to open up!". Wow. I thought i was waaaay past that. I guess I'm not...at least sometimes. I sometimes want to just close my heart off, just put up walls...i want to be stubborn...i want to just brush off emotion. But yet, i long to be known. I long to be held, and loved. I long to talk, and share, and connect. I am a very relational person, i thrive on human connection, i need to know people, and i need them to know me. I very much love people, i love their diversity and uniqueness, and i love meeting new people who then become new friends. But, i have no more tolerance left in me to keep getting hurt and being taken for granted. I really just am a bit nervous to get to know someone, because in my experience people are incredibly fickle and selfish, and they leave when they get restless. This i know is their problem and not mine, but still, it doesn't feel too great when i get the brunt of it. But, i am not a cynic (or at least i try not to be), and i know that there are amazing people out there who are not so crappy. How do i know this? Well, because i have some of the most beautiful and special, and wonderful people in my life. My friends and family are the most incredible people i know, and i am beyond blessed to know them and have such a deep and special connection with them. They are my heart. So, in conclusion, i will keep on opening my heart...like i can help it anyway, it's just who i am, i can't help but to love and share.

*Sigh* I'm sleepy. So this blog is now going to end, because i have to get to sleep and then wake up and live my life with the beautiful people God has given me. And who knows what tomorrow may hold anyway...i may bake some cupcakes…or maybe that Paula Dean frosting i just saw on her show today….and then there's a couple other new recipes i want to try out. And i have to study for my youth meeting I'm leading on Sunday, so that should be...interesting? lol. But, maybe somewhere in there, there will be something new and spontaneous...something exciting. Something to giggle about, because i quite love giggling. Cheers!

~Cecily Priscilla

New and Beautiful...

It's funny, after looking back on some of my old journal/blog entries from April and May of last year i realized something; i thought i knew what God was telling me then...i found out i was half right, but He was teaching me and preparing me for so much more than i ever could have imagined then. May of last year was a horrible month that i cringe at thinking back on, but i grew spiritually during that time. Thank you Jesus for the painful times, because that's when my walls and defences come undone and i finally see you, i am drawn to you, and then i become who you created me to be...i become more like You. You make all things new.

Our God makes all things new. He makes all things beautiful in it's time. I love that. He can take the most horrible situations and the most painful things, and bring His redemptive touch to it and it's new and beautiful again. Our God is lovely and i'm continuously in awe of Him.



Revelation 21:5 "Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me, "Write, for these words are true and faithful."



New and beautiful, your redemption makes me new -

God makes all things beautiful in it's time. Oh God make me beautiful in your eyes. Through all life's trials and wounds, through all the storms and lightning strikes. And through every drop of blood and every tear, and every scar, make your perfect light shine through, and make my cut and bruised heart new. For it is in your eyes i long to dwell, in your presence i make my home, so please dear Jesus make me a beautiful heart and bring your light to shine out the filth and dirt. I am broken, Father. I am lying filthy in the mud. But you pick me up and dance with me. You give me new garments and wash me clean, you make me feel beautiful again.




Ecclesiastes 3:11
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."


Isaiah 61:10 "I will be full of joy in the Lord, my soul will be glad in my God; for he has put on me the clothing of salvation, covering me with the robe of righteousness, as the husband puts on a fair head-dress, and the bride makes herself beautiful with jewels."


Zechariah 3:4 "And he spoke and said unto those that stood before him, saying, Take away the filthy garments from off him. And unto him he said, See, I have caused thine iniquity to pass from thee, and I clothe thee with festival-robes."






~Cecily Priscilla

A Walk Down Pop Music Memory Lane - My Pop Music Playlist

Last night i was reading through some blogs on Xanga and came across one that a girl had posted listing her favorite pop songs of the '90's and early 2000's. I loved reading through this girls list, it brought back so many memories! I was a huge bubble gum popper back in '98-2000, probably because my older sister Krystal was too...i blame her! Anycats, because both Krys and i were huge '90's pop fans we decided to make a playlist of our own favorite songs from that time. All the songs on the lists remind me of dancing around my room with my best friend, pretending that we were "famous" singers lol, or riding around town with Krys and our cousins Erika, Pam, and Ashley, just laughing about random things...and me telling them how they were never going to marry Justin Timberlake haha. Fun times!!! So here's to going down memory lane...pop style! haha. As Switchfoot would say "You can shut your ears and your eyes, but pop will never leave you alone". Cheers!



~Cecily's '90's and Early 2000 Pop Music Playlist~

1.Never Ever - All Saints
2.Candy - Mandy Moore
3.Slave For You - Britney Spears
4.Too Much - Spice Girls
5.Mamma Mia - A Teens
6.Ce st La Vi - Be*witched
7.Smile - Vitamin C
8.Say My Name - Destiny's Child
9.If You Had My Love - Jenifer Lopez
10. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom- Selena
11.So Emotional - Christina Aguilera
12.Talk To Me - Wild Orchid
13.Crush - Jennifer Page
14.Where My Girls At - 702
15.Wanna Be A Baller - Lil Troy
16.Summer Girls - LFO
17.Ray Of Light - Madonna
18.There You Go - Pink
19.Mambo Number 5 - Lou Bega
20.Scrubs - TLC

~Honorable Mentions~

21.Don't Say You Love Me - M2M
22.Miami - Will Smith
23.Como La Flor - Selena

So you'll notice that my list is missing two really popular boy bands from the '90's...Nsync and Backstreet Boys. I HATED both groups..mainly because my sister and cousins LOVED them and that annoyed me...oh how i was tortured by those dang boys music! BUT, my playlist felt incomplete without including at least one song by each group. So here is, the only two songs that i kinda liked by two boy bands i hated.

1. Girlfriend - *Nsync
2. Everybody - Backstreet Boys



~Krystal's 90's and Early 2000 Pop Music Playlist ~

1. I Want You Back - *Nsync
2. Everybody - Backstreet Boys
3. (You Drive Me) Crazy - Britney Spears
4. Genie In A Bottle - Christina Aguilera
5. The Things You Do - 5ive
6. Talk To Me - Wild Orchid
7. I'll Be There For You - Solid Harmonie
8. Summer Girls - LFO
9. Never Ever - All Saints
10. Viva Forever - Spice Girls
11. Crush - Jennifer Paige
12. Someday - Sugar Ray
13. My favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow
14. Uninvited - Alanis Morissette
15. The Music Sounds Better With You - Stardust
16. Mirror, Mirror - M2M
17. Waiting For Tonight - Jennifer Lopez
18. Candy - Mandy Moore
19. I'm Gonna Love You Forever - Jessica Simpson
20 (Tie) Kiss Me - Sixpence None The Richer & Rollercoaster - Be*Witched

~Honorable Mention ~
22. Scrubs - TLC
23. Torn - Natalie Imbruglia

~Hated Pop Songs ~
1. Livin' La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin
2. MMMBop - Hanson




~Cecily Priscilla