Poison and Ashes

Your words turn my stomach; they make me sick. Poison to my soul, they make me want to vomit. They turn my stomach inside out, until my insides are contorted. Suddenly I feel sick, my grieving soul is scratching to spill out. Poison; your words are like poison to me. Like acid, they pour in, burning my flesh, ripping my heart, exposing my bones.

Oh, what a lovely actress you have made me, I shine in front of them all. Oh, what a lovely actress, I smile, and curtsy, and speak in fine tuned contracted law. Don’t you love the show? I am a puppet in your play, I sit and stare into space, jaded and numb, waiting until you take your bow and I can leave the stage.

Burn, burn, burn; oh how your words burn me. Sting and sting, they leave me hallow and lifeless.

Fire, we are all playing with fire. We dance around the flames as you spout them out, fiery red and orange they are, as they come up from your soul and pour out of your mouth. It makes you feel powerful, and makes you feel alive and in control. Oh, your fiery flames of hate pour over our heads, consuming us, as we breathe in and out the black smoke that is choking us to death.

I am left in ashes.

However, ashes are hopeful, for you see; my Heavenly Father will take my ashes and redeem me. My Holy Father, who loves me the way love is meant to be, He will take my screwed up past, and all of my burnt up dreams, and He will make them beautiful.

Yes, we will once again shine with beauty; God will take our ashes and make us whole again.










~Cecily Priscilla

Again, my mind drifts to...

I've found that i only write when i am feeling something deeply. Either A. deep anger. B. deep thankfulness. or C. deep love. Today i am posting something that i wrote last year when i was feeling the latter; deep love. I was pretty much on pink sparkly could 9, head over high heels in love with a brown haired boy in tight jeans. It didn't work out. But, at least i have my writings, eh? Ha! Cheers!

"Again, my mind drifts to..."

I hate this, this being a part from you; it hurts. I just want to hold you, to just be near you...but i can't. I want to feel your hand in mine, your face against my face, you arms tightly around my waist. Oh the way i feel when i'm with you; you make me blush, you throw me off. The way your touch makes me feel. Your hands, oh how i love them, i love the way you touch me so soft and gentle, so sweet. Your finger tips drawing circles on my back, my shoulders,my arms, my hips. My hands on your back, back and fourth they go, taking all of you in, griping your arms. Oh how i long to stay in your strong arms forever, to feel that safe and secure always. The way you feel, the way you smell, i take it all in when i'm with you, standing in your arms. The sounds you make, the words you say, the way you breathe. Your heartbeat was rapid, it was beating in time with mine. Your breath was hard and shallow, oh yes dear, you are not the only one who can see through things, i can see through you as well darling, and everything i see melts me into you. So here i sit, my mind once again drifting to the our last time together, and anticipating what will happen when we see each other again. Oh my sweet love, just don't wait too long to come hold me again...

~Cecily Priscilla

The Water...

Sometimes you just have to go sit by the water and listen to the sound of the waves, watching as they go back and forth. Sometimes you need to feel the sand beneath your feet, and the wind on your face. Breathe deep; the water reminds you to breathe deeply. Thank God for the stars, and the dark blue color of the night sky, thank Him for the beach and the sweet summer heat. I thank my God, for the freedom the water reflects, and the the childlike feeling i get when i am in it's presence, basking in the wonder of my Lord's creation. Thank you sweet Lord, for the freedom only You can give, and thank you for the peace and rest i find in You. At the end of the day when all i can find it in me to do is collapse on the shore, broken and empty, my spirit exhausted by the weight of these days, weeks, years..Your strong love comes to me so softy, so gently, sweeping me away with the ocean air. Your love, my Father, reminds me to take the time to stop, refocus, and breathe. Your beautiful beaches and bays, oceans, and lakes, remind me to stop and rest in You. The water, my dear sweet Savior, the water is where i see and feel You.

Please never stop speaking to me through Your creation...i love it. I need it.







~Cecily Priscilla

It's times like these - Changes and Wild Horses...

It's August...oh August, how I have dreaded you and yet anticipated you for so long. I leave for Brenham in a few weeks...by "leave" I mean move...for 9 months...to attend the school of supernatural ministry...yep. I've never lived without my family before, this will be the biggest adjustment for sure...Crys and I are super close, she's my other half...and my mom is my everyday rock and friend...how do I live for 9 months without seeing them every day? They are the last people I talk to before I go to bed, and the first when I wake up....I love going into my kitchen in the mornings after I wake and chatting with my mom, hearing how her morning has been so far. Or staying up to the early morning hours with my sister, talking about life, love, guys, God and the like...or laughing at our crazy jokes and banter that only we would find funny. I'm going to miss those times. I'm also going to miss my kitty Daisy coming up to the spot on the sofa where she knows I sit, and waiting there until I pet her. I know it's only 9 months, but when you think of waking up and going about your days without the people who you love the most, and who know you the best, 9 months feels like a lot longer. I kind of had an emotional freak out last night about it all...Complete with crying and a whole lot of ranting...I do that every now and then lol. It's getting closer to crunch time and I’m not good at dealing with things sometimes, I’ve been too nervous to really talk about it or even really acknowledge that I’m moving, I mean we say it around the house, but it just seems like some far off thing...when in reality it's only a few weeks away now. We are going to plan a going away party of sorts at my church...this freaks me out because it means it's real...and well, I’m scared of new things sometimes. I'm terrified that I won't fit there, while yes I have met the people there and they are all incredibly sweet and kind, and my cousins and aunt and uncle live there and go to the church that the school is run by, I’m still scared that Brenham and ministry school won't fit me. I guess that's the risk you take when you move, eh?


"'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall..." - "Brave" - Nichole Nordeman



Life is funny, we all take such different paths than we expected...we end up in such different places in such a short amount of time...last year to this year is like a complete 180...instead of sparkly unicorns like last year, I am now being given wild horses..And I’m becoming more and more okay with that. Honestly, this was so not my plan, I was supposed to be in broadcasting school right now...but God had a different idea. I love that God brings in the most random unexpected things to you when you need them the most, and that's what this school is for me...it's God answering my prayers for new doors and opportunities...exciting things. So I am humbled and grateful for this new door....Lord only knows what's behind it. I know I do not want to be a preacher of any kind; it's just not me...being a P.K. for 10 years and counting is enough thank you. But I am going because I long to become stronger in my walk with God. I want to know what it is to hear the Spirit, and respond to His nudges. I want to become a spiritually strong woman of God. I want to grow, and dive, and immerse myself in all God is...I want to feel His love pouring out on me. I want to spend my days in His presence alongside other likeminded people, learning about God's Truth. I want to come back home a more Christ centered person, wise in God, and more at peace. I just want the Spirit of the Living God to fall on me like an unquenchable fire, burning me up until I burst with His light. I want to be refreshed; I need to be reborn in Him. I want God to baptize my heart, soul, and mind. I want revelations, I want freedom, and I want knowledge. I want God. And all this, is why I am moving...why I am leaving what I know for 9 months, why I am stepping out in blind faith and trusting God with all I am...holding to Him while I walk this new and beautiful, uncomfortable, and confusing, exciting path. May God honor it and use every part of my story for His glory. -




"I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky to hang
The stars upon tonight

I, I'm a little divided
Should I stay or run away
Leave it all behind

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again" - "Times Like These" - Foo Fighters







~Cecily Priscilla

Cecily's slightly sarcastic and slightly awkward dating rules (a running list)

So, i feel like I've learned some things from my past dealings with guys...very stupid, albeit for awhile sweet, guys that i thought were special enough to let into my life...meh, i was kinda wrong. So, i turn now to hindsight and laughter, because that's how i think we should all approach things that sting, with a little laughter and a whole lot of sarcasm! And yes, while this list is meant to be kind of sarcastic, it is however also mostly true things that i now watch out for when getting to know a guy, life lessons baby.



*Note; the things on this list were all real experiences I've had with guys...this is a sad fact.*

1. Never date a guy who wears tighter jeans than you do. Ladies, if his jeans are so tight that he can't get his phone out of his pocket, there's something not quite right. He's probably way too into himself and you don't need a shallow boy.


2. Never date a guy who tells you he wants to bake with you, or that he would love if you baked him cookies...i'm not sure why exactly, but all i know is that both guys who told me this turned out to be idiots. Just trust me on this one.


3. Never date a guy who just moved to your state less than 6 months before you met him. These guys are unstable because they are in a new environment and lonely, therefore they don't know what they want. Their unreliability and fickleness will end up hurting you, and possibly driving you to murder...save yourself the prison time and just be friends with the guy until he's established himself in your state (and when i say "just be friends" i mean it, no hugging,hand holding, kissing, flirting...just friends girls, trust me!)...this could take at least 6 more months to a year, but you'll be thankful in the end.


4. Never go out with a guy who has a rock star complex and thinks he looks like members of rock bands. He's insecure and doesn't know who the hell he is, so he has to recycle an identity. You need a man who knows exactly who he is, not a fake who is mentally stuck in middle school still trying to be "cool". This rule is especially important to follow if the dude can't even play an instrument, thinks he should play one, but doesn't have the guts to try...wanna be musicians are not boyfriend material sweetie.


5. Avoid guys who are obsessed with your purity and talk about it like it's the "holy grail". Trust me, being put on a "purity pedestal" by your boyfriend is not cool, and leaves you feeling like a weird porcelain doll in a glass bubble. Plus, it's just crazy awkward to be told over and over how awesome your virginity is. Find a guy who respects your purity and loves it about you, but who will refrain from constantly mentioning it to you and won't act like you are untouchable and perfect.


6. Never go out with a guy who tells you he will show you some "self defence" moves in his basement....because honey, that ain't all he wants to show you! I think what this means should be obvious, but I'll say it anyway...the boy wants your goods, don't give it girl...wait for the diamond! ;p


7. Stay away from guys who have previously been engaged and/or bought an engagement ring for a girl. These guys are just bad news. Now i'm sure there are cases where the guys really just did get screwed over, but make sure before you get involved with him. Make sure he is over his ex and not rebounding, and has emotionally healed from that past engagement. Guys who have not healed from their last heartbreak, especially if the relationship was headed towards marriage, may get obsessive over you and move very fast as a way of compensating for their broken relationship. Once their obsessiveness wears out they will leave and you will want to egg their car.


8. If the guy your going out with still has his ex girlfriends paintings in the trunk of his car, run the other way girl!


9. Never lend a guy your favorite books...especially if they are a trilogy of three books! Wait for a committed relationship before you give him reading material, because then you are more likely to see those books again and avoid re-buying them (*Sigh* i miss my Ted Dekker books! ). And furthermore, in the case that your boyfriend does have some of your books and you break up, he should then give you the money to buy those books again, because you will never want your old books back for the simple reason that he touched them and all you would want to do is burn them.


10. Run away from guys who start a sentence with "my therapist thinks", and end it with "about you". You never want to date a guy who discusses you with his therapist, because there will always be three people in your relationship...you, your boyfriend...and his intern of a therapist who works part time at Whole Foods.

That's all for now friends! I'll be randomly posting more slightly sarcastic rules in the coming posts...stupid guys give you too much material ;) Here's to hindsight and the laughter it brings! Cheers!

~Cecily Priscilla

Things to live by - I will remember; i am loved, i am strong, i am sassy!

I was writing a blog to post here,it was long and i didn't feel like finishing it since i am very sleepy and have a migraine the size of my lovely state of Texas...and then i realized something; i only have a few things i need to say tonight. So here is a running random/not so random if you know my life list of things/rules i want to remember. Cheers!



1. I refuse to harden my heart, it will always stay open.

2. Life is beautiful :)

3. I refuse to settle for what this word tells me i need. I refuse to get restless and go off God's path and become a person my own family wouldn't even recognize.

4. I refuse to love selfishly, thinking only of myself and my needs. I will put people first, and be respectful and considerate.

5. I refuse to hate. I refuse to hold in anger and resentment

6. God's freedom is glorious, i will not forget that.

7. I will love open and honestly, i will love and serve with everything in me.

8. I will let Love wash over me, i will let it change me,heal me.

9. I am not weak, and i refuse to lay down at the first sign of trouble.

10. I am a strong woman of God. I am the Kings daughter. I am valuable and beautiful. I am not a plaything, here for some one's pleasure. God gave me a brain and i will use it. I have a Godly purpose, and i will devote my life to fulfilling it.

11. I am one sassy chica! This kitty has got some serious attitude and gumption baby! Hells yeah!

12. I will not be a stupid girl and fall for men that are harmful to me and my walk with God.

13. I am gold. My price is above rubies (Proverbs 31:10).

14. I will continue to serve my God no matter what. I am so in love with Him and i will never leave His side.

15. I LOVE, AND AM LOVED.




Praise God for His love and faithfulness. I am always in awe of Him, He makes me smile and dance :)




Playlist:

True things - JJ Heller
Don't You Know You're Beautiful - Seabird
Every Little Thing - Hawk Nelson
One Girl Revolution - Superchick
Cherry Bomb - The Runaways
Headed Home - Lanae Hale
Unbreakable - Fireflight
Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot
With You - Sarah Kelly
Motion - Plumb







~Cecily Priscilla

To find you / I believe in LOVE.

Do i even know you anymore? Would i even know you? You seem so very far way...worlds and oceans. I miss you my sweet boy. I miss your arms around me. I miss your scruffy beard against my cheek, and the way it used to mess up my hair when you laid your head atop mine. I look at our pictures and it is clear, i do not know you anymore my friend. You are gone. You, my sweet strong boy, you have changed so very much. You are not the same...but then again neither am i. Could we find each other again? You and i, could we find our way back to a place where we share hearts again. Maybe we could find a better place this time,one that won't go up in flames, or be rocked by the worlds storms and quakes. I want to find you; I pray to God you want to find me too. Let us ask our Lord to show us where to look. Look for me my love, please look all around you...find me my dear.





I was reading through some older documents on my computer when i came across that ^....i wrote it last year. It's pretty obvious what i was feeling...i missed the guy i loved and i wanted to know him again. The heart is a funny thing, it feels things that you can't explain or understand...and it feels these things whether you like it or not. I'm not very fond of love, only because i hate when it ends and i have to detach myself from the person that i felt so deeply for...it hurts like hell, and feels like death...and i guess in some ways it is;it's the death of a friendship. I hate missing someone so much that you feel like your heart is going to explode. I've come to find out love is like getting punched in the gut over and over and over, leaving you breathless, exhausted and dazed. However, i refuse to be a jaded person (even though i am on many days), and i have to believe that love doesn't have to hurt, that it heals and sooths, instead of breaking and bruising. I believe in true love. I believe in honest, pure, raw, and real true love. Dear God, help me believe you redeem the human heart.










~Cecily Priscilla