Life has been pretty crazy these past few months, and I don’t think I’ve really given myself the time to process my emotions. I mean I have been plenty emotional, but I really haven’t sorted through all that I have felt and experienced lately. That has left me in an almost numb and lethargic state. And the other night my heart said no more to that…I found myself crying my eyes out after a long day if not feeling well, and I think the tears have more to do with what I haven’t spoken than what physical pain I’m in.
It has been so long since I have bared my soul before God, and I’m feeling it.
My heart is so conflicted right now, it is longing to feel again, but resisting so strong. I tend to turn off my feelings for long amounts of time because I find it easier. But, after so long of pushing the feelings and pain, and fear, and hope away, I get so lost and tired. And I am now drowning in that exhaustion.
If you would have asked me a couple weeks ago why I’m so conflicted and afraid, I would have told you I didn’t know, but after lying in my bed the other night trying unsuccessfully to sleep away my physical pain, I was confronted with my emotions…and I found myself telling God I didn’t trust him to keep me from the same pain I had once been in not too long ago.
See, while time has passed, my heart still feels the effects of that hurt and It’s almost like I have developed this fear of hurt (or love), and I live in this state of fear and dread of feeling it again.
I so hate feeling, I hate it so much that I pray God would take away my ability to feel any emotions. I don’t want them. They just hurt and kill.
Yet, at the same time I am pleading for Him to give me the chance to feel and love. I long for it. I ache to feel and love. I ache to breathe in every emotion, because they are so alive…and sometimes beautiful. Lord, please send me beautiful. Please help me hope and believe in love.
I had my years of not feeling, I have the scars to remember them by. I regret those days with everything I am. And I wish I didn’t long for them again. But truth is they were easier. I refuse to go back to easy though, I have come too far.
I don’t want to feel the way that pain and experience left me feeling, I just can’t handle dealing with that again. I don’t know how. I don’t trust God to protect me from it, but I want to. I want to trust that my Heavenly Father is holding my heart and won’t let me fall the way I did in the past, I want to just close my eyes and let life take me by surprise, knowing that my God has me in His arms and is guiding my every step. I pray for the strength to trust in Him.
Lord, don’t let my heart break again. Hold it, and keep it safe. It’s Yours always, so keep from shattering again. You put it back together before, even when I didn’t think it was possible, you took every piece and made it more beautiful and whole then it was. So, keep me from destroying it. Guide me in Your wisdom, and grant me grace for the reckless decisions I make. Protect me from myself, and from the fraudulent ones who will hurt me. Keep me in the center of your love, and at the front of your mind, I am the apple of Your eye, keep me there. You are my love; You are my heart and soul. You are my rock, my peace, my joy, my hope. You are my everything. I am in love with You first, always You first. I look to You for my breath and you keep my heart alive. So keep me alive, and protect my breath. You are holding me, and for that I praise You. I trust You, Father. I trust You to protect my heart, Yeshua.
Songs;
What if – Nichole Nordeman
Tightrope – Joy Williams
So I Thought – Flyleaf
When I Remember – Blindside
Break My Fall – Lanae Hale
~Cecily Priscilla
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