A woman is an ocean of feelings…

A woman is an ocean of feelings, she speaks softly without words; simply stating her deepest emotion, simply whispering her longings. Her love is wide and deep and flowing, it comes from the God up above, and goes back up to Him; For He is the source of her life, her Creator, she evaporates and flows for Him.

The emotions of a woman are strong and intense, and when she lets someone in she creates a home of rest and peace for them.

Oh, how I long to tell you what is on this woman’s heart, but if you look my dear, look very carefully, you will see it so obviously; I simply care for you.

This woman wants to be held by your strong arms, to be touched by your gentle hands, to be watched by your blue eyes; darling this woman just wants to be a part of your everyday life. To be in your thoughts, and on your mind, to have your heart and body, to know you inside and out; these are the feelings this woman is writing about.

Come hear my hearts thoughts dear, they are written in the air, all you have to do is look at me to know; my thoughts are on you.

But I won’t speak it friend, no, I won’t ever tell, that I want you so sweetly and genuinely, and I want you to want me the same way. Oh sweet, take the signals and notice the signs, the way my eyes fall on you, the way I shift to be next to you, take notice dear, and then take action…this woman won’t wait forever, and her heart is aching for you.

~Cecily Priscilla

2 am honesty…

Life has been pretty crazy these past few months, and I don’t think I’ve really given myself the time to process my emotions. I mean I have been plenty emotional, but I really haven’t sorted through all that I have felt and experienced lately. That has left me in an almost numb and lethargic state. And the other night my heart said no more to that…I found myself crying my eyes out after a long day if not feeling well, and I think the tears have more to do with what I haven’t spoken than what physical pain I’m in.

It has been so long since I have bared my soul before God, and I’m feeling it.

My heart is so conflicted right now, it is longing to feel again, but resisting so strong. I tend to turn off my feelings for long amounts of time because I find it easier. But, after so long of pushing the feelings and pain, and fear, and hope away, I get so lost and tired. And I am now drowning in that exhaustion.

If you would have asked me a couple weeks ago why I’m so conflicted and afraid, I would have told you I didn’t know, but after lying in my bed the other night trying unsuccessfully to sleep away my physical pain, I was confronted with my emotions…and I found myself telling God I didn’t trust him to keep me from the same pain I had once been in not too long ago.

See, while time has passed, my heart still feels the effects of that hurt and It’s almost like I have developed this fear of hurt (or love), and I live in this state of fear and dread of feeling it again.

I so hate feeling, I hate it so much that I pray God would take away my ability to feel any emotions. I don’t want them. They just hurt and kill.

Yet, at the same time I am pleading for Him to give me the chance to feel and love. I long for it. I ache to feel and love. I ache to breathe in every emotion, because they are so alive…and sometimes beautiful. Lord, please send me beautiful. Please help me hope and believe in love.

I had my years of not feeling, I have the scars to remember them by. I regret those days with everything I am. And I wish I didn’t long for them again. But truth is they were easier. I refuse to go back to easy though, I have come too far.

I don’t want to feel the way that pain and experience left me feeling, I just can’t handle dealing with that again. I don’t know how. I don’t trust God to protect me from it, but I want to. I want to trust that my Heavenly Father is holding my heart and won’t let me fall the way I did in the past, I want to just close my eyes and let life take me by surprise, knowing that my God has me in His arms and is guiding my every step. I pray for the strength to trust in Him.

Lord, don’t let my heart break again. Hold it, and keep it safe. It’s Yours always, so keep from shattering again. You put it back together before, even when I didn’t think it was possible, you took every piece and made it more beautiful and whole then it was. So, keep me from destroying it. Guide me in Your wisdom, and grant me grace for the reckless decisions I make. Protect me from myself, and from the fraudulent ones who will hurt me. Keep me in the center of your love, and at the front of your mind, I am the apple of Your eye, keep me there. You are my love; You are my heart and soul. You are my rock, my peace, my joy, my hope. You are my everything. I am in love with You first, always You first. I look to You for my breath and you keep my heart alive. So keep me alive, and protect my breath. You are holding me, and for that I praise You. I trust You, Father. I trust You to protect my heart, Yeshua.

Songs;

What if – Nichole Nordeman

Tightrope – Joy Williams

So I Thought – Flyleaf

When I Remember – Blindside

Break My Fall – Lanae Hale

~Cecily Priscilla

I think we should spend some time together darling…

 Should I embrace this feeling, or should I push it away? Oh, my heart is asking you to stay a little longer, to walk a little closer, to lean a little farther. Darling, let me lean into you. Could we drive for a while, take the long way back; we could use the extra time to get to know each other better. Look my way dear, and brush your hand on my back, you have such a gentle touch, it melts my cold fears.

Oh, how silly this feeling is, but my heart is flying when I’m near you, I can’t deny I feel butterflies when you appear. There is something about you that makes my soul feel light, you make me smile. You are magnetic sweet, so magnetic; you pull me in without effort. I am slipping when you are next to me; slowly I drift closer to your atmosphere. Let me be in your atmosphere. I want to snuggle into you, you seem so warm; let me wrap myself in you. You’re peaceful and comfy, like a safe landing place, I want to spend my time with you.

Let’s spend some time together.

Song;

Rope and Summit – Junip

~Cecily Priscilla

What needs to be said…

I miss the way you were, and I miss my sweet dear friend. You lost us when you lost yourself in him. Come back to our savior, and come back to yourself and us. I love you always. -

Do you ever wish you could just say what so obviously needs to be said, Instead of hiding the truth down inside? To be real and honest in love, to just let the awkwardness fall by the waste side and for once speak what is on your heart, and listen to what is on someone else’s heart. To really hug someone because you know that deep down they are hurting, to hold them and tell them you love them and it’s not too late to go back and start again.

Sometimes I feel like a have to wear a mask with some people, to cover what I believe, and what they used to believe, and act like it’s all fine that their heart has gone astray. It rips me in half because I want to be a “good friend” and be happy and excited for the people in my life, but when it’s something that goes against who they are in Christ, I find myself not knowing how to do that. I pray for wisdom and grace, because I do not want to push people away or hurt them, but I can’t keep up the charade much longer.

To speak, oh, to speak what is true and real, and honest, and loving; there are so many people I wish to speak to like that. I wish to be spoken to like that as well. So many situations where I wish I could say what my heart is feeling, so many situations where I want to hold the people in my life and let the pain and hurt, mistakes and fear, just wash away as we pray to God for forgiveness, healing, and grace. I hope to one day be able to experience such freedom, for myself and for my friends.

Speak what’s on your hearts friends, but speak it in love, truth and righteousness, for you never know what life you might change by the words God gives you to say, and the feelings that are swimming inside you. Be passionate about love and truth, and be passionate about God’s beautiful healing and redemption, so you may let God work through you to administer it to the people in your life.

In closing I will add I final note; Friends, no guy or girl is worth losing your relationship with Christ for. Let me say it again, there is no guy or girl who will love you better than your Lord and Savior. And also, if that guy/girl loves you, then he/she will wait for you instead of manipulating you into comprising your beliefs. Let God be the guide in your relationships; don’t be so anxious that you forget who you are in Christ.

Grace and peace to you tonight, may God give you the strength to let your heart speak.

~Cecily Priscilla

Haunting Halloween Playlist

I love Halloween! There's something about it that feels so whimsy and happy! I swear that when I have my own family I’m going to be one of those moms who dress up and decorate their home with tons of quirky and fun Halloween decorations! My family has always done Halloween right though, we make lime sherbet punch, dip, both tuna and chicken salad sandwiches, and some kind of yummy treat! This year made homemade peanut butter cups! And of course you can’t forget the candy! Woot! That’s why I think I love it so much; it feels like a celebration of all things fun!

I love getting to dress cute on Hallows eve! This year I wore my Knife To Meet You T-shirt; it’s made by Landon Ginnings who is formerly of the band Showbread. The shirt has blood, a Jason mask, and of course a knife…it’s awesomely morbid! I paired the grungy tee up with my black and white striped mini skirt. For my hair, since it's already dyed purple, pink, and black, I just put it in pigtails with my favorite star clip pining back my bangs. I did my makeup as usual, but I decided to add a little whimsy by drawing a star under my eye with some liquid eyeliner :) I have to say I looked quite killah ha ;) If only I had an awesomely morbid guy to be my date…any single male zombies or vampires out there? Lol. I hope to one day find a guy who is just as dark minded as I am ha…although; in the meantime I’m having fun just looking ;)

Anycats, moving on to the reason for this blog; While making popcorn balls for Halloween I got inspired to make a Halloween playlist, because what’s a celebration without some rawkin tunes, eh? So here’s my playlist of songs that I find kind of creepy and insanely awesome! I hope you enjoy it! :)

Haunting Halloween Playlist~

Dead by Dawn – Showbread

Down Here We All Float – Sullivan

Howl – Florence and the Machine

Wake the Dead – Family Force 5

The Missing Wife – Showbread

Lake of Fire – Nirvana

Voodoo – Godsmack

George Romero Will Be at Our Wedding – Showbread

My Body Is a Zombie for You – Dead Man’s Bones (This is Ryan Gosling’s band…yeah, that’s all you need to know)

I put a Spell on You – Screamin' Jay Hawkins or Nina Simone (depending on your mood.
I prefer Nina’s version)

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) – Marilyn Manson (No, I don’t listen to Marilyn Manson. He just does a great cover of this song originally by Eurythmics . Don’t judge me. I am not serving the devil)

# 1 Crush – Garbage

I Will Possess Your Heart – Death Cab for Cutie

Highway to Hell - AC/DC

Vampira - The Misfits

Monster – Skillet

Thriller – Michael Jackson

The Zombie Dance - The Cramps

Day of the dead – The Misfits (anything by the Misfits is going to work for Halloween really)

Monster Mash – Bobby "Boris" Picket and the Crypt-Kickers (Cheesy it may be, but no Halloween is complete without this strange classic about monster’s that know how to get their groove on!)

Cheers friends! Hope you all had a killer Halloween!

~Cecily Priscilla

I want to sing to you, friend/Love always protects

I wish i could sing to you all the things that are in my heart, all the things that i want to say but can't. Oh to sing to you my dear, to let my hearts songs fill your ears, your mind, your heart, and your soul. I want you to feel this; i want you to feel these words tonight. I will send them to you in a song. I will write them to you in a letter and drown it in the sea and pray that it gets to you somehow. Somehow my sweet, you will feel this. I pray to our dear God that he will speak my message to your heart tonight, that since i can't sing it to you, our God will. I pray that He will whisper it directly to your heart in the sweetest, softest, deepest way. So tender, but so strong that you will feel it in your bones, because that's how far i feel the feelings i have for you my dear. Hear our song, love, listen and feel tonight. I'm sending you my heart from miles away. Please receive it now, my dear. -

 

 

I wrote that last year sometime, I was going through the process of letting go of someone I loved deeply, and I wanted so badly to just reach out to them, but I knew that I couldn’t. I remember the feeling of just wanting to talk to that person again, to just reach them in any way I could…if I could have sent flair in the night sky, I would have. I longed to be near that person again, but they were so far away, both physically and emotionally. And the only way I felt I could express what I was feeling was if I could sing a sweet and soft melody, and have God, the God we both loved, sing it to their spirit and pierce their cold black heart.

I prayed God would speak to this person’s heart, and reunite it with mine. I knew that I could reach out on my own and probably do things myself, but I wanted it to be right, and the only way for that to happen would be to let go and let God do the work for me. It was not His will for my heart to ever know that person’s again; I came to realize this after some time. And while it was deeply painful, it was also beautiful because I knew that God had control of the situation, and even if I had to hurt for long while, it was better to be in His perfect will and learn to let go, than to be in His permissive will and live a lifetime of hurt. My Abba always looks out for me, and I now see His strong hand of protection on me in that time of my life. He saved me, and I love Him for that. I am now a better, stronger, and more loving person, doing better and lovelier things than I was at that time. Praise the God of Love who always protects!

 

 

 

~Cecily Priscilla

To simply love...

I think I have gotten to the point where I can listen to love songs without wanting to smash something…okay, so I still cringe a little and i can’t really think too hard about the lyrics, but I’m getting there…baby steps :)

I guess I’ve always been kind of jaded when it comes to the topic of “love”, but it just got somewhat worse at one point, ha! I wouldn’t give someone* too much credit though, because it wasn’t them that really enforced my jadedness…they just definitely did not help it. And, I’ll admit I was quite angry at the mention of love for while after that person, but really once you realize that YOU didn’t want what they were offering, it makes it a whole lot easier to get over the “grrness”.

Though, in all honesty, the thought of falling in love so deeply again really scares me…I find myself pulling further and further away from wanting it, and yet I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being ready for it.

Sometimes I’m not a very easy person to get to know, I like keeping people at arm’s length if possible, because there’s less of the chance of getting attached to each other, and then less of a chance of getting hurt. And then, of course, one reason I find myself backing away from people is that I guess I just don’t feel like anyone would really understand me if they knew me. If they knew about my struggles and pain…if they saw the scars, would they really understand? Would they really stay? I learned early on life that you can’t trust most people, now that’s not to say that I’m not trusting, because I am, but I find it hard to trust people with certain details of my life…there are areas that most people can’t know. I guess I’m just plain fearful of love in all forms.

It’s funny because I’m a very loving person, and I find it easy to just full on care for someone, but the hard part for me is letting someone love me…because their love might hurt. Whereas I know when my love is sincere, the other person’s on the other hand…well, let’s just say some people are toxic to the hearts of others. I am very mistrusting when it comes to the love of others, and that really stings to say.

I don’t even know what I want right now, and yet, I have such a clear picture. Maybe I do know what I want, but maybe I just don’t know when I want it…or how I will get it.

Love is really intense, at least it was for me, and I honestly don’t know if I have it in me to do that again…to be someone’s best friend and more, to pour out everything I have…to be open, so very open. I wonder, is love is like a leech, sucking the life out of its host? That’s what it was like for me last time…at the end at least. Not to say that I didn’t love pouring myself out to the person I was with, but it began to get draining for me…I was pouring out, and getting nothing back, and that really takes its toll.

And yet, I long to feel the beauty of love again...the spectacular feeling of being someone’s love and friend. The close and comfy everyday feeling of knowing someone cares for you, that someone smiles when they think of you. I miss those feelings…the simple act of holding hands with someone you love is one of the best feelings in the world; I miss it…and I’m so scared to have it again.


Nevertheless, i know I can love again. I will love intensely again. I will once again feel that safe and at peace in someone’s arms.

I crave the simple…simply to be loved, and to give love…it is so simple…and so simply special.




"I was thinking about how love (not just lust or codependency that commonly flood the tunes on the airways) actually involves quite a bit of faith. There's a lot of letting go involved. Two souls in love is an intricate dance of give and take. I can be a fairly solitary person from time to time. Sure, I love being with people, but I also need time alone. I guess I thrive on the poles. So this song is about the dance involved in a relationship the coming together and letting go. The song equates love with breathing- pulling in and releasing. Or a seed, for the seed to grow it has to be dropped and buried." - Jon Foreman of Switchfoot, explaining their song "Enough To Let Me Go"






~Cecily Priscilla