Frozen walls

Sometimes I feel like I put up so many walls; to keep people out, to keep myself safe…to keep myself locked up. And no matter what I do I can’t help but give in to their perimeters, it’s like the harder I try to knock them down, the faster and stronger they go up. I hate them, they keep me prisoner, I am like a slave that has developed Stockholm syndrome; I am dependent and devoted to my isolation, I have become its friend and lover… I give myself to it over and over, too desensitized to realize it is killing me. Every time I let those walls come between me and the outside world I ruin the chance of escape, I let the chance of freedom pass me by …like waves they crash over me then they are gone, and I am left clinging on to that same freaking wall.

I push away any attempt of rescue; when it is offered I shut down and become like ice…cold to the touch, my heart is frozen shut and I will not give you the chance to warm it. No, I am a strong girl, I don’t need you, nor do I care if you are here, I have better things to do than to be hurt by you. This is what the walls of my heart say, they tell the sweetest of people “No. you may not enter. You can look, but stay away, don’t come any closer”. I have been told that I ooze those exact words.

I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to know people and to be known. I want to look people in the eyes when I talk to them. I want to be open and comfortable to people, I want them to know that they can talk to me, they can get to know me, and they can enter my heart. I want to show that I want to know them so badly, I want to talk and share and let them in; I want to love them. My heart longs to be open; It’s so warn on the inside, but only hidden by frozen over walls. I love sharing my life and heart with others, I love hearing the stories of new and old friends alike. I love long hugs, and random laughter, and comfortable silence with the ones you hold dear. I just wish someone would stay around long enough and make the effort to see that there is more to me than I let myself show.

From this moment on I will show the real me, I will no longer be a prisoner to these suffocating, isolating, cold, heartless walls. I will shout and scream, I will pray to my God of sweet everlasting Love. I will call on my Savior’s name, “Jesus, come tear down these the walls, warm my heart, open my eyes to love. Open my heart to my sisters and brothers. Speak to my spirit; speak love and peace to my soul. Rescue me, and change me. Let Your perfect love cast out all of these fears my walls are built from, and then, my wonderful Lord, when you do, these walls will tumble, and I will dance and sing with joy, radiating Your love to this world”. Hallelujah! Praise the God of Perfect Love!

~Cecily Priscilla