2010 in review – A year of change, growth and happiness (Part 1)

Ah, it is half way through the first month of the new year friends, 2011 is in full swing…how lovely :) I’m so ready to see what God has for me this year, what plans and trips and friends He has, what dreams He wants to plant. But before i completely dive into blogging about this years events, i feel it is only right to go over what happened in 2010. It was a very eventful year for me, i feel like i was in constant motion in some way or another; it was a very complex yet simple year, and i always want to remember it, for it was vital to me. So, here is in order, part one of my review of the notable events that took place in my 2010. I hope you enjoy reading along :) Cheers to the passage of time!

January:

January was greeted by the first concert of the year; Red, Pillar, The Wedding, and Me in Motion. The show was held at The Riverside Multiplex in Victoria, a gritty local rock venue, which looks way snazzier on the inside than it does on the outside lol. The show was incredible! It was mine and Crystal’s first time seeing any of the 4 bands, and they rocked the place! Red was my favorite of night; so electric and intense! Their songs “Let Go” and “Death of Me” had a very emotional meaning for me that night, and singing them out in a packed sweaty crowd was amazing! Great way to start the year, I say!

(Rawk fists in the air for Red!)

March:

In March i spent a few days up in Brenham to visiting my cousins, and seeing their church. At the time I was checking into the churches school of ministry, so I sat in on a class and got to meet and have lunch with the students. Such wonderful people, and they embraced me so sweetly! I had a great time getting to know them for the short while I was there. That night I went to my first “Tailgate Party” that the church was holding at Blinn College, it was freezing outside! But there were Smores and a big fire pit so that helped :) I had a fun getting to laugh and talk, and just hang out with the many different people there that night. I made some new awesome friends in the process, definitely worth standing out in the cold! Thanks to my cousin Brittany for talking my anti-social self into staying for the whole party lol :)

 

 (hanging by someone’s truck with my cousin Robert Kyle  and others at the tailgate party…i look cold lol.)

While in Brenham I had the chance to spend the day with my awesome cousin, Robert Kyle, who I don’t get to see very often, we took in some lunch and a movie (Alice in Wonderland), and toured his town, it was lovely :) I so miss getting to hang with him, he’s awesome :) That night, which was a Friday, we went to see a band, Jesus Culture, on the Campus Awakening Tour held at a church in Bryan. What a service! I had never felt the power of God so strong than I did in that night! I’m not used to worship services that are that Holy Spirit led! I remember a moment in the service where the band had us hold hands with the people next to us and pray for them, I was standing next to my cousin Robert Kyle and his friend Kayla, so we took each other’s hands and prayed…it felt like a special moment. And there were many special moments that night, like feeling the Holy Spirit’s presence while the band jammed an almost reggae groove at the end of the night. But the moment I will remember the most is when I received a word from God…now, I don’t really do the whole “God told me to tell you this” thing, but this was in line with what God had been placing in my heart for months, and it checked out scripturally. In short, during the service I asked God that if there was something He wanted to tell me, that he would let someone come up to me, as opposed to me going up and getting prayer for “a word”, like everyone else was. God answered my prayer, and in turn, changed my life and way of thinking; it brought me to life again. And when I’m losing perspective I remind myself of what God said to me that night. I needed that Word, and I needed those days in Brenham, my heart had been so tired and hard, and it needed refreshing, and praise God, thanks to my cousin and her husband for inviting me and opening up their home to me, I got that.

A couple weeks later that month, thanks to my cousins, the Brenham church came to my church and blessed us by sprucing up our church! They painted, and decorated, and repaired things…all while singing songs and smiling, yeah, they rock. They created us a rockin black youth room, gave our plain dining room walls a bright sunny color, and gave our church a little kick start. I got to help make lunch for them while they worked, and as funny as it sounds I loved it, because it allowed me to in a small way bless them back. We had one incredible service the night before they left, with my cousin’s husband leading worship, and their church praying prayers over us, it was beautiful and so special. I think one of the most special things is when family members pray over you, and when you are surround by whole church with their arms extend out to you blessing you; it was a lovely moment.

(dinning hall with some fresh sunny paint!)

 

(Rockin youth room!)

April:

April is the month of The Rock and Worship Road Show

In April I went with Crystal, our parents, and Pam to The Rock and Worship Road Show in Dallas, this was the second year we all went, and it’s become a kind of a tradition we all have to go to the tour when it stops in Dallas. What an awesome and beautiful show that night! God really showed up that night; I felt His presence so strong I was just in awe! The lineup was MercyMe, David Crowder, Family Force 5, Francesca Battistelli, and Fee; with such an eclectic mix of artistes you ended up switching between dancing your tail off (Family Force 5 baby!), to lifting your hands and swaying in worship…all the ingredients for my perfect night :) This was a hard show for me in all honesty; the show the year before was very special…it was the reason I fell in love, so going again this year, and being out of that love and still hurt from it, was very emotional. But, God made that night a night of joy and peace for me, I had a blast dancing my somberness away, and I said a peaceful resolute “Goodbye” during an acapella rendition of “Amazing Grace” led by MercyMe and the thousands of people in the stadium. It was beautiful.

 

The next morning before leaving Dallas we went and found what is now all us girls’ favorite spots, Society Bakery, and Opening Bell Coffee. Love these places! Society has the best most decadent cupcakes I have tasted! Their moist and fluffy cake and thick and creamy frosting makes them stand out from all the rest! Their peanut butter cupcake was like heaven and I could have eaten five in a row! It’s a small place, but very warm and quant, where quality is huge and the baked goods, as well as the staff, are sweet! Opening bell is the very epitome of “indie coffee shop” in the best way! Down in the basement of a building, the atmosphere is cozy, vintage, and very indie and almost grunge. Board games, sofas, local music for sale, an intimate stage and the great music playing (M.I.A baby!) made us swoon, and the coffee is…BETTER THAN STARBUCKS! I said it yo! Their sandwiches rock cats as well! (Spicy chicken salad!)

 

May:

In May I turned 21! I was blessed enough to get to spend the anniversary of my birth with my family and my best friend and her family in my favorite city; Austin, Texas baby!

Austin is the city I would choose to be in everyday of my life, so naturally I wanted to be there for my birthday, and the city did not disappoint! (It never does darling :) My friend Amanda’s sister, Amber, was having a graduation ceremony the day before my birthday so we went to Austin a day earlier so we could attend the celebration. What a beautiful event it was, and i was so honored to be able to share in it!

The Next day for my birthday my family and I spent the day in Austin with Amanda, Amber, and their parents, so fun to have both family’s together! We started the day by going to a little cupcakery/bakery called Sugar Mama’s Bake Shop and getting some yummy cupcakes, and admiring the cute retro décor! We then went on to the Botanical Gardens and took some time to explore the beautiful flowers and plants, and take advantage of the scenery by snapping some shots of us all. Then it was on to Zilkler Park where we enjoyed a sweet and relaxing picnic; my parents bought a little chocolate cake from the grocery store so I wouldn’t miss out on a actually birthday cake lol, and Amanda and Amber presented me with the cutest little pink cupcake journal, and a sweet and beautiful cupcake painting that Amber did herself…I love them both so much!

 

After our picnic Amanda’s parents found out they were having a play on the other side of the park, so we all decided to walk on over. It was a free production of A Mid-Summer Night’s Dream set to 60’s music! How whimsy and fun! We all enjoyed sitting in the grass taking in all the people who with their hippy style looked so Austin! Lol. The play was incredible and entertaining, the music and costumes were so lovely and rocking! And they had fairies! Lol I was in awe! Lol. The night ended by going to a little place called Taco Express, for some really bad coffee and the most Austin sounding live music! This place made you feel so local Austin, with the grungy hole in the wall southern feel, watching the cars pass on the highway right above, it felt electric. The band that night had one heck of a female bluegrass vocalist, and as they played covers of The Beatles I loved how people would just stand up from their tables and dance ha, so fun! It was the perfect Austin birthday night, and I got to spend it with my favorite people…how blessed was I :)

 

The next day I went to CoCo’s Café and picked up some freaking yummy strawberry banana bubble tea! I LOVE BUBBLE TEA!! Coco’s makes their own pearls for their tea, it makes for great quality drinks! After that we popped in at a couple of shops on SOCO for a few minutes before meeting up Amanda and Amber. We girls then got all dolled up and got delicious cupcakes at Hey Cupcake (and got hit on by the cupcake guy lol), and went to dinner at Olive Garden. Once in for the night, we stayed up late watching a movie and chatting, and then attended church together the next morning…it was lovely :)

 

 

July:

July was the month that I tried my hand at helping out with my churches summer camp, Camp Lost Pines, in Warda, TX.

I found out I am not, nor will I ever be, a camp type of person lol. But, I had a lovely time getting to know all the other staffers, and make some great new friends and connections. I have been in the church my whole life, but I really don’t know many people in the COGOP that are around my age group, so it was amazing to see that they do in fact exist…and have tattoos and piercings as well lol. My friend Damaris happened to be going to help at the camp as well and we shared a room together; i loved getting to talk and laugh and grow closer to her during camp! I also shared some great conversations and laughs with the other staffers, I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything…it was what I needed. I remember the last night I was there Damaris and another girl (who was actually my childhood pastor’s granddaughter lol) laughed for hours in our bunks! I don’t even remember what was so funny, but it had us rolling in laughter!

I went to camp to get over myself and meet others; to serve and make my summer mean something eternal, and I got that by helping out at the intermediate camp for 10-12 year old kids. Those children had my heart by the time they walked in the room! The little girls were the sweetest things, they would just come up and hug you for no reason, and they looked up to you just because you were older…so precious. One little girl wanted to draw me lol, and another wanted to always sit next to me and talk about makeup lol; that was the girl who melted my heart, I had the privilege and blessing to tell her how beautiful she was and I got to give her my undivided attention…I think it blessed me more than her though :) Children are such special beings, and getting to see them pray and worship the Lord, and laugh and get excited was just beautiful!

As far as what I did, I was a “floater” so I just did things here and there, like filling water balloons, posting signs and passing out wrist bands, watching kids during recreation time, and helping set up for meals. T’was fun :)

My camp experience was mixed though, I loved meeting the people I did and am glad I now feel like part of my church, but…sadly some things that happened just left me a bit disillusioned, frustrated, and miffed. All in all though, it was okay, though I don’t know how likely it will be that I’ll be going back lol, but we’ll see :)

(Photo credit:Camp Lost Pines)

Read on for continuation; August – December…:)

~Cecily Priscilla

With you, all my scars fade to love….

 

Sometimes life is funny…funny in the way that God speaks to you. This past Tuesday morning on the way to class I glanced at my arms…its hard some days to face what you used to be. It’s hard to have scars, knowing you were the reason for it. I feel ashamed when I look at my arms, it’s so embarrassing and I feel so ridiculous. My arms tell my story, and it’s a broken one. I hate that I made it to where everyone knows my issues from the moment they see my arms or legs. I feel exposed, and I’m terrified of being rejected and seen as crazy or weird…I’m afraid of what people will think of me, the “pastor’s daughter”, if they really knew what I went through. And I’m afraid that because of my past I will be too much for people…too much for any guy to deal with, too much for friends to understand. I know that’s not the case, because all of my friends who know love and accept me so beautifully and gracefully, I seriously could not ask for better friends; they are truly gifts from God! And, despite all his crappy-ness, my ex really did embrace and understand me, he never acted like I was crazy or damaged, he treated me, in that way at least, with great care and empathy. But, I worry about new people I meet, and new guys I get interested in, finding out…and then leaving or seeing me different…damaged. It’s so scary.

This is what was running through my mind that morning driving in the car on my way to class.

Little did I know that God had something to say about my regrets that morning; He told me that His blood covered mine, His scars covered my scars. He told me that I am chosen, that His hand is on me. God reminded me that my testimony has a purpose, and that I was made the way I am for a reason, God knew what I was going to go through and He has planned to use it for His glory, to reach others for His kingdom and tell of His strong and everlasting, ever reaching, all enduring love and grace and mercy! Praise God! I am chosen! My sins are washed white as snow! My God took my transgressions and threw them as far as the east is from the west, He will never remember them again! His perfect blood, His perfect sacrifice, is enough for me, it’s enough for my scars and pain, and my screwed up past! I am washed in the blood of the perfect spotless Lamb of God! I am more than a conqueror! I am new!

All of this is what God spoke to my spirit through the classes at DBI Tuesday, through my teachers, who praise God, are so anointed by the Holy Spirit! I am so blessed to sit in a room and be taught by such Godly leaders! The teacher of my Prophets class pretty much just spoke to my heart that day, not knowing that just a few hours before I was wallowing in my past mistakes and I needed to hear from God. Praise God for my teachers! May God bless them so richly for their service! She said that when we let our past’s get us down we are saying that the cross was not enough for us. I never want to ever dare say such a thing. I never want to undermine Christ’s sacrifice for me. His blood is enough. His death and resurrection is enough to wash my scars clean, to make them disappear…to fade to Love. Praise God for His perfect love! I am in awe! My heart is His; it sings and dances for Him always!

Oh, my sweet Lord, Your perfect blood washes my wounds, and makes my scars fade to LOVE. Halleluiah, I have been healed.

"Come now, let us settle the matter, says the LORD. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” - Isaiah 1:18

Note to self, and to you; always remember this: Christ’s scars are deep enough to cover all of yours; His blood will wash them clean. You may remember your scars, but Christ does not. You may see them, but when Jesus looks at you He only sees the one He loves so much He died for. Christ’s sacrifice on the cross was for you, it is enough, all you have to do is believe it, and receive it.

~Cecily Priscilla

Frozen walls

Sometimes I feel like I put up so many walls; to keep people out, to keep myself safe…to keep myself locked up. And no matter what I do I can’t help but give in to their perimeters, it’s like the harder I try to knock them down, the faster and stronger they go up. I hate them, they keep me prisoner, I am like a slave that has developed Stockholm syndrome; I am dependent and devoted to my isolation, I have become its friend and lover… I give myself to it over and over, too desensitized to realize it is killing me. Every time I let those walls come between me and the outside world I ruin the chance of escape, I let the chance of freedom pass me by …like waves they crash over me then they are gone, and I am left clinging on to that same freaking wall.

I push away any attempt of rescue; when it is offered I shut down and become like ice…cold to the touch, my heart is frozen shut and I will not give you the chance to warm it. No, I am a strong girl, I don’t need you, nor do I care if you are here, I have better things to do than to be hurt by you. This is what the walls of my heart say, they tell the sweetest of people “No. you may not enter. You can look, but stay away, don’t come any closer”. I have been told that I ooze those exact words.

I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to know people and to be known. I want to look people in the eyes when I talk to them. I want to be open and comfortable to people, I want them to know that they can talk to me, they can get to know me, and they can enter my heart. I want to show that I want to know them so badly, I want to talk and share and let them in; I want to love them. My heart longs to be open; It’s so warn on the inside, but only hidden by frozen over walls. I love sharing my life and heart with others, I love hearing the stories of new and old friends alike. I love long hugs, and random laughter, and comfortable silence with the ones you hold dear. I just wish someone would stay around long enough and make the effort to see that there is more to me than I let myself show.

From this moment on I will show the real me, I will no longer be a prisoner to these suffocating, isolating, cold, heartless walls. I will shout and scream, I will pray to my God of sweet everlasting Love. I will call on my Savior’s name, “Jesus, come tear down these the walls, warm my heart, open my eyes to love. Open my heart to my sisters and brothers. Speak to my spirit; speak love and peace to my soul. Rescue me, and change me. Let Your perfect love cast out all of these fears my walls are built from, and then, my wonderful Lord, when you do, these walls will tumble, and I will dance and sing with joy, radiating Your love to this world”. Hallelujah! Praise the God of Perfect Love!

~Cecily Priscilla

A woman is an ocean of feelings…

A woman is an ocean of feelings, she speaks softly without words; simply stating her deepest emotion, simply whispering her longings. Her love is wide and deep and flowing, it comes from the God up above, and goes back up to Him; For He is the source of her life, her Creator, she evaporates and flows for Him.

The emotions of a woman are strong and intense, and when she lets someone in she creates a home of rest and peace for them.

Oh, how I long to tell you what is on this woman’s heart, but if you look my dear, look very carefully, you will see it so obviously; I simply care for you.

This woman wants to be held by your strong arms, to be touched by your gentle hands, to be watched by your blue eyes; darling this woman just wants to be a part of your everyday life. To be in your thoughts, and on your mind, to have your heart and body, to know you inside and out; these are the feelings this woman is writing about.

Come hear my hearts thoughts dear, they are written in the air, all you have to do is look at me to know; my thoughts are on you.

But I won’t speak it friend, no, I won’t ever tell, that I want you so sweetly and genuinely, and I want you to want me the same way. Oh sweet, take the signals and notice the signs, the way my eyes fall on you, the way I shift to be next to you, take notice dear, and then take action…this woman won’t wait forever, and her heart is aching for you.

~Cecily Priscilla

2 am honesty…

Life has been pretty crazy these past few months, and I don’t think I’ve really given myself the time to process my emotions. I mean I have been plenty emotional, but I really haven’t sorted through all that I have felt and experienced lately. That has left me in an almost numb and lethargic state. And the other night my heart said no more to that…I found myself crying my eyes out after a long day if not feeling well, and I think the tears have more to do with what I haven’t spoken than what physical pain I’m in.

It has been so long since I have bared my soul before God, and I’m feeling it.

My heart is so conflicted right now, it is longing to feel again, but resisting so strong. I tend to turn off my feelings for long amounts of time because I find it easier. But, after so long of pushing the feelings and pain, and fear, and hope away, I get so lost and tired. And I am now drowning in that exhaustion.

If you would have asked me a couple weeks ago why I’m so conflicted and afraid, I would have told you I didn’t know, but after lying in my bed the other night trying unsuccessfully to sleep away my physical pain, I was confronted with my emotions…and I found myself telling God I didn’t trust him to keep me from the same pain I had once been in not too long ago.

See, while time has passed, my heart still feels the effects of that hurt and It’s almost like I have developed this fear of hurt (or love), and I live in this state of fear and dread of feeling it again.

I so hate feeling, I hate it so much that I pray God would take away my ability to feel any emotions. I don’t want them. They just hurt and kill.

Yet, at the same time I am pleading for Him to give me the chance to feel and love. I long for it. I ache to feel and love. I ache to breathe in every emotion, because they are so alive…and sometimes beautiful. Lord, please send me beautiful. Please help me hope and believe in love.

I had my years of not feeling, I have the scars to remember them by. I regret those days with everything I am. And I wish I didn’t long for them again. But truth is they were easier. I refuse to go back to easy though, I have come too far.

I don’t want to feel the way that pain and experience left me feeling, I just can’t handle dealing with that again. I don’t know how. I don’t trust God to protect me from it, but I want to. I want to trust that my Heavenly Father is holding my heart and won’t let me fall the way I did in the past, I want to just close my eyes and let life take me by surprise, knowing that my God has me in His arms and is guiding my every step. I pray for the strength to trust in Him.

Lord, don’t let my heart break again. Hold it, and keep it safe. It’s Yours always, so keep from shattering again. You put it back together before, even when I didn’t think it was possible, you took every piece and made it more beautiful and whole then it was. So, keep me from destroying it. Guide me in Your wisdom, and grant me grace for the reckless decisions I make. Protect me from myself, and from the fraudulent ones who will hurt me. Keep me in the center of your love, and at the front of your mind, I am the apple of Your eye, keep me there. You are my love; You are my heart and soul. You are my rock, my peace, my joy, my hope. You are my everything. I am in love with You first, always You first. I look to You for my breath and you keep my heart alive. So keep me alive, and protect my breath. You are holding me, and for that I praise You. I trust You, Father. I trust You to protect my heart, Yeshua.

Songs;

What if – Nichole Nordeman

Tightrope – Joy Williams

So I Thought – Flyleaf

When I Remember – Blindside

Break My Fall – Lanae Hale

~Cecily Priscilla

I think we should spend some time together darling…

 Should I embrace this feeling, or should I push it away? Oh, my heart is asking you to stay a little longer, to walk a little closer, to lean a little farther. Darling, let me lean into you. Could we drive for a while, take the long way back; we could use the extra time to get to know each other better. Look my way dear, and brush your hand on my back, you have such a gentle touch, it melts my cold fears.

Oh, how silly this feeling is, but my heart is flying when I’m near you, I can’t deny I feel butterflies when you appear. There is something about you that makes my soul feel light, you make me smile. You are magnetic sweet, so magnetic; you pull me in without effort. I am slipping when you are next to me; slowly I drift closer to your atmosphere. Let me be in your atmosphere. I want to snuggle into you, you seem so warm; let me wrap myself in you. You’re peaceful and comfy, like a safe landing place, I want to spend my time with you.

Let’s spend some time together.

Song;

Rope and Summit – Junip

~Cecily Priscilla

What needs to be said…

I miss the way you were, and I miss my sweet dear friend. You lost us when you lost yourself in him. Come back to our savior, and come back to yourself and us. I love you always. -

Do you ever wish you could just say what so obviously needs to be said, Instead of hiding the truth down inside? To be real and honest in love, to just let the awkwardness fall by the waste side and for once speak what is on your heart, and listen to what is on someone else’s heart. To really hug someone because you know that deep down they are hurting, to hold them and tell them you love them and it’s not too late to go back and start again.

Sometimes I feel like a have to wear a mask with some people, to cover what I believe, and what they used to believe, and act like it’s all fine that their heart has gone astray. It rips me in half because I want to be a “good friend” and be happy and excited for the people in my life, but when it’s something that goes against who they are in Christ, I find myself not knowing how to do that. I pray for wisdom and grace, because I do not want to push people away or hurt them, but I can’t keep up the charade much longer.

To speak, oh, to speak what is true and real, and honest, and loving; there are so many people I wish to speak to like that. I wish to be spoken to like that as well. So many situations where I wish I could say what my heart is feeling, so many situations where I want to hold the people in my life and let the pain and hurt, mistakes and fear, just wash away as we pray to God for forgiveness, healing, and grace. I hope to one day be able to experience such freedom, for myself and for my friends.

Speak what’s on your hearts friends, but speak it in love, truth and righteousness, for you never know what life you might change by the words God gives you to say, and the feelings that are swimming inside you. Be passionate about love and truth, and be passionate about God’s beautiful healing and redemption, so you may let God work through you to administer it to the people in your life.

In closing I will add I final note; Friends, no guy or girl is worth losing your relationship with Christ for. Let me say it again, there is no guy or girl who will love you better than your Lord and Savior. And also, if that guy/girl loves you, then he/she will wait for you instead of manipulating you into comprising your beliefs. Let God be the guide in your relationships; don’t be so anxious that you forget who you are in Christ.

Grace and peace to you tonight, may God give you the strength to let your heart speak.

~Cecily Priscilla