Roots and Shadows

Things are a little weird tonight..rather, I feel a little weird tonight.

Lately I've been thinking about roots..settling down here, planting...belonging. It is want i want so much, but it is so hard!

People have been reaching out to me, which feels great...but it still makes me feel weird. I guess I just feel nervous...it's been a hard year for friendships..and I'm scared to let myself be known.

It's hard for me let people close...I guess I'm scared It won't last. But, over time love has grown for things and for many people and I want to be close...but there is still that wall I keep up...I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is hard to come into a life that already started years ago. Where people of the past are still are present for the people of your future.

Sometimes I feel like i will always be living the shadow of past memories and feelings I don't fit in.

At the same time, I long to fit.,.to be a part of a close knit circle. I want to know and be known. To be family. I want roots. Deep roots. The kind you can't break. I want a family so big. I want to trust, trust that i fit and the past is no longer in the future. I want big family Christmases and photos and kids playing in the snow.

So I guess tonight I am just thinking, about where i feel and where I want to be, and hope they are not too far away.

I also want the slut of an ex my husband has to stop pathetically writing him so we can all move on.

That was honest, but frick it's my blog.

Okay, I should sleep now. Guess its just hard being new. My heart is so overwhelmed with all this new love and feelings.

Sleeping Sweet

I wrote this last September when my now husband and i were apart while we was home in Georgia, and i was home in Texas. So happy i have him with me forever now <3

Sleeping Sweet

Tonight I can’t sleep, I cannot find rest at all. No this midnight hour is not kind, for you are the only thing that is on my mind. I cannot get it to shut down, I can’t get my heart to drown my thoughts of you out.

I am but a lonely girl, I am but a longing heart, wishing to be held in this room so empty, silent, and dark. So tonight I’m going to pretend you are here, no tonight you will not be 16 hours away, tonight in my heart’s mind, right next to me you lay.

Tonight I will pretend your arms are holding me tight, your body is pressed up against mine as I sleep peacefully through the night.

The beat of your heart and the sound of your breathing are so soothing, it is my sweet lullaby; my darling, you have become my midnight song.

A swirling rhythm, a cradling sound; your melody surrounds me my love, and my home I have found.

It is in your strong arms.

As I close my eyes tight I will almost be able to feel your warm breath on my skin, i will make myself believe it is not pretend.

Tonight I will pull you in close and I will snuggle in tight, with my legs wrapped in your legs, I will not move an inch until the call of the morning’s light.

Tonight I will sleep with you next to me, I will cuddle you like I did before, and I then will sleep sweetly once more.

Oh, what lovely sleep you give me.

~Cecily Priscilla

Oh, distance...

It’s in the middle of the work day and I am trying to stay focused but there are too many thoughts in my head. I’ve been pretty emotional these past couple weeks…being away from family around Mother’s Day and my birthday was hard.

I sat out some photos on my work desk of my family’s house in TX, as well as a photo of me, me sister and my cousin from when we were little... I've been finding myself needing to remember these days.

I guess the hardest thing about being so far away is feeling so disconnected. My family and I talk on the phone almost every other night, and have Skype nights once a week, and I try to say up to date with what’s going on in my old town by reading our small town newspaper, but even all that still doesn't seem like enough. It almost feels like when you are on the phone and the other person’s call cuts out and you realize you are talking to silence…being states always feel a lot like silence.

I had a lovely birthday weekend filled with good times with my new in-laws, and quite a romantic and fun day/night with my husband, but due to a misunderstanding on scheduling, my family and I didn't get to talk until later that night, and that’s when I really felt the “dropped call silence” if you will.

I want to find little ways we can all keep in touch and feel a part of each others daily lives; I have a few ideas, but don’t really know if they will solve the problem. My brother in-law is originally from England and has lived here in the states for 10 years or so, I very much admire the close relationship he has kept with his family. I hope to have that too. I suppose it comes in time. Maybe things like this just take a long time to get used to and figure out a new normal.

Okay, thoughts cleared, back to work with me…..

Newness and stuff like that...

So I am “officially ” moved to the peachy state! :) Yes, I left my sweet Texas and moved to the home of sweet tea, aka “The dirty, dirty south, y’all!” :) It has been a very crazy time emotionally …I’m happy because I am officially with my husband, and we are creating our life together…however adjusting has been pretty freaking tricky…

I went to get my hair cut recently…at Great Clips…I miss my hair dresser in Palacios…she rocked my hair and never questioned my not -all that natural hair choices. She knew my hair.

I was thinking today how crazy it is that in just a year my life changed so dramatically…dear cats I had no idea when 2011 started that I would be a wife one year later! Just thinking how much i cried over stupid boys, and how I never thought things were going to change…I really wish I would have known back then that I’d find the bestest man who would love me right, and that my life would change so much…would have saved me some stress and tears! :)

Anycats, looking back, I almost can’t wrap my mind around the changes and events that happened over the last year…my bible school journey, falling in love with a man 3 states away from me and becoming his wife, leaving my family and friends and all that is familiar to start a life in a completely new state...

What my thoughts really come down to I guess are gains and losses I suppose…is it true that something has to die in order for something to come to life?

I guess my mind is a bit active tonight…just missing what I knew. But the thing is, when I had what I knew, I wanted what I didn’t know…funny how that works. Being in a new atmosphere along with being a new member of a family feels weird at times…I feel like an adopted kid or an exchange student…I have all these people calling me family (which by the way, is such a great feeling…my husband’s sister called me sis…It made me happy :) but It still feels a bit odd coming in on something that was started so long ago…

Adjustment is always a bit tricky I suppose. And really, I’ve only been here for a few months…it still feels temporary…like a very real and long vacation of sorts…maybe I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I no longer live with and around my family and friends…but I’m sure that in time it will feel like home…safe and secure, known and loved, and mine….i just hope that comes soon, because I could use that. Thankfully I have my husband and my God for those things, and they fill me when I don’t know how to do something so new.

So, here’s to the journey of a new life and all the crazy hard, and crazy beautiful things that come with it. May God bless it, and use it

~Cecily Priscilla-Rodriguez Wetter :)

(I love using my new name! :)

Reminiscing a bit...

Tonight I can’t really breathe that well…not just because my heart is doing funny things mostly from my meds, but because my heart is feeling too weighed down. I don’t really ever deal with anything…ever. If something hurts or is hard, I push it away and go about life like normal, which works for me…until it refuses to be pushed away any longer and all pops out. These past day’s things I have pushed away have been fighting their way back to the surface. It hasn’t been very pretty to say the least.

Moving to a new state is a tough thing…moving away from everything and everyone you know is even harder.

It’s not at all that I don’t love my new life; being a newlywed with the most awesome man I’ve ever known, and living in a beautiful southern state with the most lovey white pear trees is literally a prayer answered. Marriage is nothing like I thought it would be…it’s so much better and more fun and sweetly sweeter than anything.

However, gosh oh my, not having my family here is hard as hell! I miss them so much! And strangely, I even miss my little town and everything In it….which is not much mind you! I miss our Sonic, and our Subway that my little cousin works at. I miss my sweet bay…which always had the faint (and sometimes not so faint) smell of dead fish, but is where I go to clear my head on my hardest of days, and where I go to feel close to God when I feel numb. That place holds so many special moments for me…some very painful and some very beautiful…I sat on those steps leading out to the water when my dreams fell apart…when my heart was broken by stupid boys, and when I confronted myself for the first time. But i also walked along that sidewalk with my mom and sister, laughing and talking about everything under the sun…so many times just walking, and somehow it made life actually okay, all those walks shaped me. I also walked there with my husband on the first day we met, and held hands with him on the rocks that led out into the water while staring out and thinking that my heart was finally full.

I miss those days.

I miss the things I know so well, because when you are somewhere so new, sometimes you just ache for the familiar…the things that are yours. The things you know so very well. I ache for that right now. For my family that is mine and I can be silly crazy or crappy moody with them and they still love me and know I’m just oddly me. The morning talks I had with my mom, and the late night talks with my sister…the car rides around town listening to crappy top 40 and just being us…I have the most awesome sister and mom, so very fun to be around…so very perfect for me. Gosh, I just miss them….

I ache for the streets I know, and the food I know. My own room with my fluffy white comforter and my awful purple curtains…the bulletin board that held pictures of friends and tickets from rock shows. So many times just going into my room and laying under my blanket with the light on (always on) and making the world disappear for a while was how I dealt…I did that here the other day…it helped, but was not the same.

This post is getting whinny and long, so I suppose I shall stop, but I just needed to say that I miss everyone and everything…and I hope my loved ones knows I think of them every single day, and miss those simple/hard times as well. But, in life, every blessing has its own set of curses…but I in no way want to make it sound like my marriage and new GA life are a curse …no, they are so very beautiful and wonderful and so very magical. The hope and possibilities are endless…the future is so very bright! I have my own family in the making! How freakin’ cool is that! I have someone I go to bed with every night and wake to to every morning…I have a best friend like I never thought possible! So yes, while I’m sad about the past, I’m happy for my future and thankful for my present. And with that, I say goodnight world…and goodnight my sweet Texas.

~Cecily Priscilla

A photo a day keeps the battyness away...

In order in keep record of life with my being back and forth from Texas to Georgia and figuring out life, i have decided to start keeping a photo a day log. My hope is that it will help me slow down and sit back enough to focus on what is around me, as well as the small joys and oddness that make my life...well, my life :) I stared this about a week ago, but just haven't uploaded the photos yet, ha. So here is my back log of photos from my odd life :) Hope you enjoy :)

~

Day 1

A beginning of the year self shot is important in my opinion, tis nice to look back at the end of the year and see how much you've changed. On this day i was wearing Chason's Baylor University tee...yes,i gotta represent my state, don't ya know ;) This is probably one of my favorite tees of his to steal...after the one he wore when we first met anyway :)

Day 2

I can't be the only girl who finds the way her man drinks Starbucks hot...right? Something about the cup colors and the name, combined with the hotness of the guy...i get giggly :)

Day 3

Black berries have become my favorite breakfast, lunch, and snack food! I find them best after a few days of sitting in the fridge, they get a sweeter flavor. I love their squishy-ness :)

Day 4

Mr. Scary grass fire face :) Chason had a little too much fun when we grilled out...This is the result of his fascination for fire and knack for giving me a panic attack...i hate fire. Twas quite the nice night though, grilled steak, sauteed spinach was the menu. We also made a new vinaigrette recipe i had just found, i'm not too much for salad, but with a great vinaigrette, i'm all in :)

Day 5

The epitome of snugly :)

Day 6 (Yesterday)

I've been taking care of Chason's parents cats while they went out of state, feeding them and cleaning their litter...which brings me to a thought; does anyone realize how backwards it is that we humans, scoop up animal poo? Most of the time while they sit and watch, mocking us with their stares, knowing that they have all power...it just seems like it it should be the other way around...animals clean up human crap, ya know?...but, they are furry and we are not (Some of us) so i guess they win.

Point is; it's been non stop rainy and i've been scooping up cat poo, along with dealing with my own crap...life crap, not, well, the other kind of crap...Sooo, stress has been ultra high...emotions have been pretty intense, and there are just so many changes and things on my plate.

Yesterday morning Chason had a business meeting and had to run some errands and i decided to stayed at the house. It was rainy like whoa, the internet and satellite were down, and i wasn't feeling well. I was quite lonely...Texas time was 8am and no one i know is awake or able to talk then. I love my man and can't wait to start our new life here in the peach state, but it is hard being alone here...apart from him, i have no one here...a cousin yes, but i'm not super close to him yet. Relationships are hard right now...which is more pie than i can slice into here, but yeah...it's hard sometimes.

Thankfully, that morning i went to go clean up cat poo, and found Lewis (orange kitty) in when he wasn't supposed to be. Though this morning i think God let him in, because he came up to me, purred and sat on my lap as i cuddled and squeezed him like a teddy bear. I'v never seen a more cuddly and sweet cat. He, along with Little Bit (other kitty), kept me company and made me smile and laugh...it was like the sunshine i needed on that gray day. Sometimes it's the little things (and the furry things) that make a difference :)

Day 7 (today)

Chason had another meeting this morning, though this time i tagged along and waited in the car. Of course we made a very necessary trip to Starbucks before his meeting, and got our normal hot chocolate (his) and iced white mocha (mine), as well as tried the cheese and fruit bistro box..twas quite the delight and made us very happy on this early morning...mmm cheese and fruit...what is better? :) I'm thinking of getting a new usual Starbucks drink though, i mean i love my white mocha, but i'm feeling like a new season in life deserves a new drink. Any suggestions? I've already done the caramel macchiato and caramel frap, which were '08 and '09's drinks...am i the only person who likes to change Starbucks drinks by the year? Hmm....

Oh look, we are all caught up now :) Yay :) Till the morrow blog peoples :)

~Cecily Priscilla