A woman is an ocean of feelings…

A woman is an ocean of feelings, she speaks softly without words; simply stating her deepest emotion, simply whispering her longings. Her love is wide and deep and flowing, it comes from the God up above, and goes back up to Him; For He is the source of her life, her Creator, she evaporates and flows for Him.

The emotions of a woman are strong and intense, and when she lets someone in she creates a home of rest and peace for them.

Oh, how I long to tell you what is on this woman’s heart, but if you look my dear, look very carefully, you will see it so obviously; I simply care for you.

This woman wants to be held by your strong arms, to be touched by your gentle hands, to be watched by your blue eyes; darling this woman just wants to be a part of your everyday life. To be in your thoughts, and on your mind, to have your heart and body, to know you inside and out; these are the feelings this woman is writing about.

Come hear my hearts thoughts dear, they are written in the air, all you have to do is look at me to know; my thoughts are on you.

But I won’t speak it friend, no, I won’t ever tell, that I want you so sweetly and genuinely, and I want you to want me the same way. Oh sweet, take the signals and notice the signs, the way my eyes fall on you, the way I shift to be next to you, take notice dear, and then take action…this woman won’t wait forever, and her heart is aching for you.

~Cecily Priscilla

2 am honesty…

Life has been pretty crazy these past few months, and I don’t think I’ve really given myself the time to process my emotions. I mean I have been plenty emotional, but I really haven’t sorted through all that I have felt and experienced lately. That has left me in an almost numb and lethargic state. And the other night my heart said no more to that…I found myself crying my eyes out after a long day if not feeling well, and I think the tears have more to do with what I haven’t spoken than what physical pain I’m in.

It has been so long since I have bared my soul before God, and I’m feeling it.

My heart is so conflicted right now, it is longing to feel again, but resisting so strong. I tend to turn off my feelings for long amounts of time because I find it easier. But, after so long of pushing the feelings and pain, and fear, and hope away, I get so lost and tired. And I am now drowning in that exhaustion.

If you would have asked me a couple weeks ago why I’m so conflicted and afraid, I would have told you I didn’t know, but after lying in my bed the other night trying unsuccessfully to sleep away my physical pain, I was confronted with my emotions…and I found myself telling God I didn’t trust him to keep me from the same pain I had once been in not too long ago.

See, while time has passed, my heart still feels the effects of that hurt and It’s almost like I have developed this fear of hurt (or love), and I live in this state of fear and dread of feeling it again.

I so hate feeling, I hate it so much that I pray God would take away my ability to feel any emotions. I don’t want them. They just hurt and kill.

Yet, at the same time I am pleading for Him to give me the chance to feel and love. I long for it. I ache to feel and love. I ache to breathe in every emotion, because they are so alive…and sometimes beautiful. Lord, please send me beautiful. Please help me hope and believe in love.

I had my years of not feeling, I have the scars to remember them by. I regret those days with everything I am. And I wish I didn’t long for them again. But truth is they were easier. I refuse to go back to easy though, I have come too far.

I don’t want to feel the way that pain and experience left me feeling, I just can’t handle dealing with that again. I don’t know how. I don’t trust God to protect me from it, but I want to. I want to trust that my Heavenly Father is holding my heart and won’t let me fall the way I did in the past, I want to just close my eyes and let life take me by surprise, knowing that my God has me in His arms and is guiding my every step. I pray for the strength to trust in Him.

Lord, don’t let my heart break again. Hold it, and keep it safe. It’s Yours always, so keep from shattering again. You put it back together before, even when I didn’t think it was possible, you took every piece and made it more beautiful and whole then it was. So, keep me from destroying it. Guide me in Your wisdom, and grant me grace for the reckless decisions I make. Protect me from myself, and from the fraudulent ones who will hurt me. Keep me in the center of your love, and at the front of your mind, I am the apple of Your eye, keep me there. You are my love; You are my heart and soul. You are my rock, my peace, my joy, my hope. You are my everything. I am in love with You first, always You first. I look to You for my breath and you keep my heart alive. So keep me alive, and protect my breath. You are holding me, and for that I praise You. I trust You, Father. I trust You to protect my heart, Yeshua.

Songs;

What if – Nichole Nordeman

Tightrope – Joy Williams

So I Thought – Flyleaf

When I Remember – Blindside

Break My Fall – Lanae Hale

~Cecily Priscilla

I think we should spend some time together darling…

 Should I embrace this feeling, or should I push it away? Oh, my heart is asking you to stay a little longer, to walk a little closer, to lean a little farther. Darling, let me lean into you. Could we drive for a while, take the long way back; we could use the extra time to get to know each other better. Look my way dear, and brush your hand on my back, you have such a gentle touch, it melts my cold fears.

Oh, how silly this feeling is, but my heart is flying when I’m near you, I can’t deny I feel butterflies when you appear. There is something about you that makes my soul feel light, you make me smile. You are magnetic sweet, so magnetic; you pull me in without effort. I am slipping when you are next to me; slowly I drift closer to your atmosphere. Let me be in your atmosphere. I want to snuggle into you, you seem so warm; let me wrap myself in you. You’re peaceful and comfy, like a safe landing place, I want to spend my time with you.

Let’s spend some time together.

Song;

Rope and Summit – Junip

~Cecily Priscilla

What needs to be said…

I miss the way you were, and I miss my sweet dear friend. You lost us when you lost yourself in him. Come back to our savior, and come back to yourself and us. I love you always. -

Do you ever wish you could just say what so obviously needs to be said, Instead of hiding the truth down inside? To be real and honest in love, to just let the awkwardness fall by the waste side and for once speak what is on your heart, and listen to what is on someone else’s heart. To really hug someone because you know that deep down they are hurting, to hold them and tell them you love them and it’s not too late to go back and start again.

Sometimes I feel like a have to wear a mask with some people, to cover what I believe, and what they used to believe, and act like it’s all fine that their heart has gone astray. It rips me in half because I want to be a “good friend” and be happy and excited for the people in my life, but when it’s something that goes against who they are in Christ, I find myself not knowing how to do that. I pray for wisdom and grace, because I do not want to push people away or hurt them, but I can’t keep up the charade much longer.

To speak, oh, to speak what is true and real, and honest, and loving; there are so many people I wish to speak to like that. I wish to be spoken to like that as well. So many situations where I wish I could say what my heart is feeling, so many situations where I want to hold the people in my life and let the pain and hurt, mistakes and fear, just wash away as we pray to God for forgiveness, healing, and grace. I hope to one day be able to experience such freedom, for myself and for my friends.

Speak what’s on your hearts friends, but speak it in love, truth and righteousness, for you never know what life you might change by the words God gives you to say, and the feelings that are swimming inside you. Be passionate about love and truth, and be passionate about God’s beautiful healing and redemption, so you may let God work through you to administer it to the people in your life.

In closing I will add I final note; Friends, no guy or girl is worth losing your relationship with Christ for. Let me say it again, there is no guy or girl who will love you better than your Lord and Savior. And also, if that guy/girl loves you, then he/she will wait for you instead of manipulating you into comprising your beliefs. Let God be the guide in your relationships; don’t be so anxious that you forget who you are in Christ.

Grace and peace to you tonight, may God give you the strength to let your heart speak.

~Cecily Priscilla

Haunting Halloween Playlist

I love Halloween! There's something about it that feels so whimsy and happy! I swear that when I have my own family I’m going to be one of those moms who dress up and decorate their home with tons of quirky and fun Halloween decorations! My family has always done Halloween right though, we make lime sherbet punch, dip, both tuna and chicken salad sandwiches, and some kind of yummy treat! This year made homemade peanut butter cups! And of course you can’t forget the candy! Woot! That’s why I think I love it so much; it feels like a celebration of all things fun!

I love getting to dress cute on Hallows eve! This year I wore my Knife To Meet You T-shirt; it’s made by Landon Ginnings who is formerly of the band Showbread. The shirt has blood, a Jason mask, and of course a knife…it’s awesomely morbid! I paired the grungy tee up with my black and white striped mini skirt. For my hair, since it's already dyed purple, pink, and black, I just put it in pigtails with my favorite star clip pining back my bangs. I did my makeup as usual, but I decided to add a little whimsy by drawing a star under my eye with some liquid eyeliner :) I have to say I looked quite killah ha ;) If only I had an awesomely morbid guy to be my date…any single male zombies or vampires out there? Lol. I hope to one day find a guy who is just as dark minded as I am ha…although; in the meantime I’m having fun just looking ;)

Anycats, moving on to the reason for this blog; While making popcorn balls for Halloween I got inspired to make a Halloween playlist, because what’s a celebration without some rawkin tunes, eh? So here’s my playlist of songs that I find kind of creepy and insanely awesome! I hope you enjoy it! :)

Haunting Halloween Playlist~

Dead by Dawn – Showbread

Down Here We All Float – Sullivan

Howl – Florence and the Machine

Wake the Dead – Family Force 5

The Missing Wife – Showbread

Lake of Fire – Nirvana

Voodoo – Godsmack

George Romero Will Be at Our Wedding – Showbread

My Body Is a Zombie for You – Dead Man’s Bones (This is Ryan Gosling’s band…yeah, that’s all you need to know)

I put a Spell on You – Screamin' Jay Hawkins or Nina Simone (depending on your mood.
I prefer Nina’s version)

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) – Marilyn Manson (No, I don’t listen to Marilyn Manson. He just does a great cover of this song originally by Eurythmics . Don’t judge me. I am not serving the devil)

# 1 Crush – Garbage

I Will Possess Your Heart – Death Cab for Cutie

Highway to Hell - AC/DC

Vampira - The Misfits

Monster – Skillet

Thriller – Michael Jackson

The Zombie Dance - The Cramps

Day of the dead – The Misfits (anything by the Misfits is going to work for Halloween really)

Monster Mash – Bobby "Boris" Picket and the Crypt-Kickers (Cheesy it may be, but no Halloween is complete without this strange classic about monster’s that know how to get their groove on!)

Cheers friends! Hope you all had a killer Halloween!

~Cecily Priscilla

I want to sing to you, friend/Love always protects

I wish i could sing to you all the things that are in my heart, all the things that i want to say but can't. Oh to sing to you my dear, to let my hearts songs fill your ears, your mind, your heart, and your soul. I want you to feel this; i want you to feel these words tonight. I will send them to you in a song. I will write them to you in a letter and drown it in the sea and pray that it gets to you somehow. Somehow my sweet, you will feel this. I pray to our dear God that he will speak my message to your heart tonight, that since i can't sing it to you, our God will. I pray that He will whisper it directly to your heart in the sweetest, softest, deepest way. So tender, but so strong that you will feel it in your bones, because that's how far i feel the feelings i have for you my dear. Hear our song, love, listen and feel tonight. I'm sending you my heart from miles away. Please receive it now, my dear. -

 

 

I wrote that last year sometime, I was going through the process of letting go of someone I loved deeply, and I wanted so badly to just reach out to them, but I knew that I couldn’t. I remember the feeling of just wanting to talk to that person again, to just reach them in any way I could…if I could have sent flair in the night sky, I would have. I longed to be near that person again, but they were so far away, both physically and emotionally. And the only way I felt I could express what I was feeling was if I could sing a sweet and soft melody, and have God, the God we both loved, sing it to their spirit and pierce their cold black heart.

I prayed God would speak to this person’s heart, and reunite it with mine. I knew that I could reach out on my own and probably do things myself, but I wanted it to be right, and the only way for that to happen would be to let go and let God do the work for me. It was not His will for my heart to ever know that person’s again; I came to realize this after some time. And while it was deeply painful, it was also beautiful because I knew that God had control of the situation, and even if I had to hurt for long while, it was better to be in His perfect will and learn to let go, than to be in His permissive will and live a lifetime of hurt. My Abba always looks out for me, and I now see His strong hand of protection on me in that time of my life. He saved me, and I love Him for that. I am now a better, stronger, and more loving person, doing better and lovelier things than I was at that time. Praise the God of Love who always protects!

 

 

 

~Cecily Priscilla

To simply love...

I think I have gotten to the point where I can listen to love songs without wanting to smash something…okay, so I still cringe a little and i can’t really think too hard about the lyrics, but I’m getting there…baby steps :)

I guess I’ve always been kind of jaded when it comes to the topic of “love”, but it just got somewhat worse at one point, ha! I wouldn’t give someone* too much credit though, because it wasn’t them that really enforced my jadedness…they just definitely did not help it. And, I’ll admit I was quite angry at the mention of love for while after that person, but really once you realize that YOU didn’t want what they were offering, it makes it a whole lot easier to get over the “grrness”.

Though, in all honesty, the thought of falling in love so deeply again really scares me…I find myself pulling further and further away from wanting it, and yet I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being ready for it.

Sometimes I’m not a very easy person to get to know, I like keeping people at arm’s length if possible, because there’s less of the chance of getting attached to each other, and then less of a chance of getting hurt. And then, of course, one reason I find myself backing away from people is that I guess I just don’t feel like anyone would really understand me if they knew me. If they knew about my struggles and pain…if they saw the scars, would they really understand? Would they really stay? I learned early on life that you can’t trust most people, now that’s not to say that I’m not trusting, because I am, but I find it hard to trust people with certain details of my life…there are areas that most people can’t know. I guess I’m just plain fearful of love in all forms.

It’s funny because I’m a very loving person, and I find it easy to just full on care for someone, but the hard part for me is letting someone love me…because their love might hurt. Whereas I know when my love is sincere, the other person’s on the other hand…well, let’s just say some people are toxic to the hearts of others. I am very mistrusting when it comes to the love of others, and that really stings to say.

I don’t even know what I want right now, and yet, I have such a clear picture. Maybe I do know what I want, but maybe I just don’t know when I want it…or how I will get it.

Love is really intense, at least it was for me, and I honestly don’t know if I have it in me to do that again…to be someone’s best friend and more, to pour out everything I have…to be open, so very open. I wonder, is love is like a leech, sucking the life out of its host? That’s what it was like for me last time…at the end at least. Not to say that I didn’t love pouring myself out to the person I was with, but it began to get draining for me…I was pouring out, and getting nothing back, and that really takes its toll.

And yet, I long to feel the beauty of love again...the spectacular feeling of being someone’s love and friend. The close and comfy everyday feeling of knowing someone cares for you, that someone smiles when they think of you. I miss those feelings…the simple act of holding hands with someone you love is one of the best feelings in the world; I miss it…and I’m so scared to have it again.


Nevertheless, i know I can love again. I will love intensely again. I will once again feel that safe and at peace in someone’s arms.

I crave the simple…simply to be loved, and to give love…it is so simple…and so simply special.




"I was thinking about how love (not just lust or codependency that commonly flood the tunes on the airways) actually involves quite a bit of faith. There's a lot of letting go involved. Two souls in love is an intricate dance of give and take. I can be a fairly solitary person from time to time. Sure, I love being with people, but I also need time alone. I guess I thrive on the poles. So this song is about the dance involved in a relationship the coming together and letting go. The song equates love with breathing- pulling in and releasing. Or a seed, for the seed to grow it has to be dropped and buried." - Jon Foreman of Switchfoot, explaining their song "Enough To Let Me Go"






~Cecily Priscilla

To meet you in a song...

It’s funny how you can listen to a song and feel connected to a person…to the person who loved it before you. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you’ve last seen this person, you put on the song, and it feels like them; and you suddenly feel as if they are somehow near you. You feel calmness, or maybe it’s a sadness…I think it’s a bit of both.

If I could walk by you once more for the last time, look you into your eyes, and then pass you by for good…this is what it would feel like. This song, your song, is what it would feel like; a sad and mournful, peaceful and resolute, goodbye. Gray skies, rain, cold…this is what you feel like to me; almost so beautiful, but so dark and washed away.




~Cecily Priscilla

The freedom to be...

Have you ever had a year that was so draining and so testing that you don’t think you can take anymore, and all you want to do is collapse and crawl in a hole until the year is over and the hope of a new year presents itself? Yeah, I think we all have at one point or another.

Oh this year, what can I say? You have given me so much, so many happy things and moments…so many new friends and experiences. I learned so many things, grew so much, felt grace and love and confirmation from both friends and God. This year has been beautiful.

But, this year has also tested me so much…too much. I am beginning to feel like life is one big fight…a fight to say alive, a fight to love, and a fight to pursue what is right. And maybe is it a fight, and maybe that is is perfectly okay; Living, loving, and following a Godly path are beautiful wonderful things worthy of a fight. I will continue to fight for them because they are what life is about.

Nevertheless, the fight I am talking about is the fight to keep your head above water…the fight to breathe. Lately I have been finding it hard to keep my head from going under…I have been finding it hard to breathe. I am in need of some rescue by my Almighty God.

The thing is, I feel like I can’t tell people this. I have to be the strong resilient Christian girl; I can’t let them see that I am drowning. They all think I am strong and brave, so adult and think I handle things so well…when really, I feel anything but "well" and "strong" and "brave". I feel weak. I feel confused. I feel so tired and lost. And…a bit forgotten. Is that okay? Can the pastor’s daughter, the "good mature Christian girl" (ack!!!! blah!!!!), feel this crappy and sad? What would they think if they knew I am not alright right now? I put on a brave face in front of them…even when I get a bit emotional, it is still a braver face then I am feeling on the inside. They don’t know how hard this is for me. And in all honesty, I don’t want them too. This is my issue, and I want to deal with this in a very quiet way. Sometimes when you are the "P.K." people think they are helping, but really they are invading your privacy…at 21 I am very big on having a private life. I am naturally a private person when it comes to what I am going through, and I prefer it that way. I will share information on a one on one basis if i feel I can trust someone, but if I choose not to talk about something, I would love if people would respect that.

However, let’s put that aside for the moment and talk about the real thing here; I really need it to be okay that I am not okay. Instead of patting me on the back and telling me it’s going to be okay, I need someone to lay their hands on my head on pray for me. I need someone stronger than me to help me gain some strength. I need to be surrounded in prayer by Christians who love me, and I need to cry and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I just want a little help to stand, because I feel so weak.

I just want to go away somewhere…escape for a while. Oh, to go to Seattle…or Boston…anywhere really. I wish to be taken away…to be whisked away to a far off destination…away from problems and complications. I want someone to hold me. I want to be held so tightly until I feel safe and secure. I don’t want to have to put on the "I’m good" face…I just want to be held and cry, and have that be totally and completely fine.

So, I should sleep now because I probably need to. I will end this blog with this; while I am far from okay right now, I know that My God is with me, and He will make my paths straight. And while I don’t feel like I can be open about my struggles, I know I can talk about them with My Jesus and He will understand. Oh yes, our sweet Lord understands the way we hurt and fall, He knows…He knows. It is in His loving eyes, we are seen as beautiful, not broken, not weak, or imperfect, but beautiful creations, beautiful reflections of Him. I am His daughter. Praise Him. I am His daughter, and I am humbled and honored. Oh, to sit at the feet of the one who made me…that is where I want to be. I long to be at my Lords feet worshiping Him on my hands and knees. I love Him. When nothing else makes sense, His sweet strong love is what holds my world together. Halleluiah. My Abba is strong and He loves me. Selah.

With everything in my soul, everything I am, I cry "Halleluiah, I am Yours, forever and always fully Yours!" Take my life and make it shine with your light! My Jesus I am your servant.


Grace and peace to you friends.






~Cecily Priscilla

Chasing your choices, and losing truth…

Slow down friend, don't get lost in your head, don't get lost in your scars, and the things that haunt you in your past. They are gone, and I am here. Focus, reset, go forward.

I miss my friend...I wonder where he went. I think he got lost somewhere in the pain. Lord, please save him from himself...I love him, and he loves you. Don't let him forget, you died to take his regret and shame, and all his pain...don't let him forget, you are the only truth. Help him to listen to you.

What are you running from, dear? Slow down friend, it is going to be alright. Nothing is going hurt you here. So take off that mask, and breathe in fresh air. I know it is hard to not breathe, so sit with me and breathe for a moment. You don't have to rush away, you know that I care and my heart is here to stay.

Won't you stop for a second love, stop and think about what you are doing, and how you are hurting yourself and I. Put down that phone, and take off work, leave those people that bring you down, and come spend the day with me. We will talk friend, talk about you and I, talk about why you are so scared and why you feel so trapped in this life. I feel trapped to, and I am scared as well, you see, don't feel you have to run from me...I understand.

So, what are you running from dear? Won't you slow down sweet one, and talk to me, tell me what is scaring you? What is making you avoid me? Why do you always cut every tie, why do you never have real relationships in your life?

Come here love, and we will sit by the shore, watch as the fish jump from the water, as we did before. You don't have to leave now, you can stay for a while, I will not hurt you and I trust you will not hurt me. Let's just sit here and watch the stars and keep our eyes fixed on the sky, and we will promise not to leave until it bursts with the mornings light.

Let us take a walk then, and we will hold hands; smiling from ear to ear laughing about a joke you said. Look into my eyes dear, and I promise I will not turn away this time; I will let my eyes show you that I am here to stay.

I wish we could do all of that, but your legs are shaking with anxiety, you have to go you say...have to find your own perfect packaged way. I know it is not my fault, but I feel like it is. I wish I could have given you what you wanted, but I know that it is what will save me in the end. If I gave you what you asked for in the most round about way, it would have only further hurt you and broken us in two. I cannot hurt you sweet, the thought of that makes my heart burst, so I told you no to save you and I anymore hurt. It was not easy for me; I think you should know. I wanted to feel you so very, very close. .

You left me with no real answers, and no real reason. You should have faced me friend, you should have showed me respect, but you chose not to. You chose to run...you chose to run.

And I chose to live and move on.







~Cecily Priscilla

Where there is a heart, there is no distance...

I realized today that the heart knows no distance. I kind of knew that before, but today it just became very clear.

Today my dear friend’s grandpa passed away…my heart breaks for her and her family. I know the pain of losing a grandpa, as I have lost both of mine…it hurts so deeply. I am 3 hours from my friend, and I can’t be there to hug her right now…but, my heart is with her. I may be in Palacios, but my heart and all of my love and thoughts are 3 hours away in Dripping Springs right by her side, hugging her.

There have been times that the people I love are far away, and I have to be there for them long distance…whether it be a birthday, accomplishment, hard times or…the loss of a loved one, many times I can’t there for them physically like I would love to be. But, my heart is always there…it literally feels like during those times my heart flies out of my chest and goes to that person…like I would love to do. If I could take the people I love in my arms and just hug them, just be right there next to them…to comfort, or congratulate, I would. However, when I can’t be there to do that, I can send my prayers. I can call out their names to my God and He will send love and peace their way. This is the best thing I can do for them. And, thankfully, technology has given us so many ways to communicate our hearts…it may be by a phone call, an e-mail, or a simple text; we can now let our hearts speak to our loved ones from so far away.

So, the heart, whether a thousand miles away or right in the same room, it knows no distance…no, it just knows love.

I hope my family and friends can always feel my heart with them, for I certainly always feel theirs.







~Cecily Priscilla

A disclaimer, my dear...

All of a sudden I got a little freaked out that certain people might stumble upon this blog...I love people reading my blog, there's not doubt about that, but there are a few people that I would be a little uncomfortable if they read some things on here. But, I am a blogger, we put our hearts feelings online for the world to see...sometimes it's only to give our written words a home, and other times it's out of hope that someone, somewhere, might relate to what we are writing. Either way, sometimes the fear of someone you have written about finding your blog is a bit...err awkward. But, I’m pretty good with awkward, so I guess I’ll keep blogging ;)

Just a note though, to anyone that I have written about, if you have a problem with it, then you can talk to me. When I go through deep things in life I write like crazy, it's just how I deal with things now, and I want my writings to have a home...I need that. Many of the things posted here were written quite some time ago, and I probably no longer feel that same way. If my writings make you uncomfortable, well...that's too bad. Just take it with a grain of salt :)


Cheers bloggers and friends! May your life be deep enough that you have to write about it :)






~Cecily Priscilla

Poison and Ashes

Your words turn my stomach; they make me sick. Poison to my soul, they make me want to vomit. They turn my stomach inside out, until my insides are contorted. Suddenly I feel sick, my grieving soul is scratching to spill out. Poison; your words are like poison to me. Like acid, they pour in, burning my flesh, ripping my heart, exposing my bones.

Oh, what a lovely actress you have made me, I shine in front of them all. Oh, what a lovely actress, I smile, and curtsy, and speak in fine tuned contracted law. Don’t you love the show? I am a puppet in your play, I sit and stare into space, jaded and numb, waiting until you take your bow and I can leave the stage.

Burn, burn, burn; oh how your words burn me. Sting and sting, they leave me hallow and lifeless.

Fire, we are all playing with fire. We dance around the flames as you spout them out, fiery red and orange they are, as they come up from your soul and pour out of your mouth. It makes you feel powerful, and makes you feel alive and in control. Oh, your fiery flames of hate pour over our heads, consuming us, as we breathe in and out the black smoke that is choking us to death.

I am left in ashes.

However, ashes are hopeful, for you see; my Heavenly Father will take my ashes and redeem me. My Holy Father, who loves me the way love is meant to be, He will take my screwed up past, and all of my burnt up dreams, and He will make them beautiful.

Yes, we will once again shine with beauty; God will take our ashes and make us whole again.










~Cecily Priscilla

Again, my mind drifts to...

I've found that i only write when i am feeling something deeply. Either A. deep anger. B. deep thankfulness. or C. deep love. Today i am posting something that i wrote last year when i was feeling the latter; deep love. I was pretty much on pink sparkly could 9, head over high heels in love with a brown haired boy in tight jeans. It didn't work out. But, at least i have my writings, eh? Ha! Cheers!

"Again, my mind drifts to..."

I hate this, this being a part from you; it hurts. I just want to hold you, to just be near you...but i can't. I want to feel your hand in mine, your face against my face, you arms tightly around my waist. Oh the way i feel when i'm with you; you make me blush, you throw me off. The way your touch makes me feel. Your hands, oh how i love them, i love the way you touch me so soft and gentle, so sweet. Your finger tips drawing circles on my back, my shoulders,my arms, my hips. My hands on your back, back and fourth they go, taking all of you in, griping your arms. Oh how i long to stay in your strong arms forever, to feel that safe and secure always. The way you feel, the way you smell, i take it all in when i'm with you, standing in your arms. The sounds you make, the words you say, the way you breathe. Your heartbeat was rapid, it was beating in time with mine. Your breath was hard and shallow, oh yes dear, you are not the only one who can see through things, i can see through you as well darling, and everything i see melts me into you. So here i sit, my mind once again drifting to the our last time together, and anticipating what will happen when we see each other again. Oh my sweet love, just don't wait too long to come hold me again...

~Cecily Priscilla

The Water...

Sometimes you just have to go sit by the water and listen to the sound of the waves, watching as they go back and forth. Sometimes you need to feel the sand beneath your feet, and the wind on your face. Breathe deep; the water reminds you to breathe deeply. Thank God for the stars, and the dark blue color of the night sky, thank Him for the beach and the sweet summer heat. I thank my God, for the freedom the water reflects, and the the childlike feeling i get when i am in it's presence, basking in the wonder of my Lord's creation. Thank you sweet Lord, for the freedom only You can give, and thank you for the peace and rest i find in You. At the end of the day when all i can find it in me to do is collapse on the shore, broken and empty, my spirit exhausted by the weight of these days, weeks, years..Your strong love comes to me so softy, so gently, sweeping me away with the ocean air. Your love, my Father, reminds me to take the time to stop, refocus, and breathe. Your beautiful beaches and bays, oceans, and lakes, remind me to stop and rest in You. The water, my dear sweet Savior, the water is where i see and feel You.

Please never stop speaking to me through Your creation...i love it. I need it.







~Cecily Priscilla

It's times like these - Changes and Wild Horses...

It's August...oh August, how I have dreaded you and yet anticipated you for so long. I leave for Brenham in a few weeks...by "leave" I mean move...for 9 months...to attend the school of supernatural ministry...yep. I've never lived without my family before, this will be the biggest adjustment for sure...Crys and I are super close, she's my other half...and my mom is my everyday rock and friend...how do I live for 9 months without seeing them every day? They are the last people I talk to before I go to bed, and the first when I wake up....I love going into my kitchen in the mornings after I wake and chatting with my mom, hearing how her morning has been so far. Or staying up to the early morning hours with my sister, talking about life, love, guys, God and the like...or laughing at our crazy jokes and banter that only we would find funny. I'm going to miss those times. I'm also going to miss my kitty Daisy coming up to the spot on the sofa where she knows I sit, and waiting there until I pet her. I know it's only 9 months, but when you think of waking up and going about your days without the people who you love the most, and who know you the best, 9 months feels like a lot longer. I kind of had an emotional freak out last night about it all...Complete with crying and a whole lot of ranting...I do that every now and then lol. It's getting closer to crunch time and I’m not good at dealing with things sometimes, I’ve been too nervous to really talk about it or even really acknowledge that I’m moving, I mean we say it around the house, but it just seems like some far off thing...when in reality it's only a few weeks away now. We are going to plan a going away party of sorts at my church...this freaks me out because it means it's real...and well, I’m scared of new things sometimes. I'm terrified that I won't fit there, while yes I have met the people there and they are all incredibly sweet and kind, and my cousins and aunt and uncle live there and go to the church that the school is run by, I’m still scared that Brenham and ministry school won't fit me. I guess that's the risk you take when you move, eh?


"'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall..." - "Brave" - Nichole Nordeman



Life is funny, we all take such different paths than we expected...we end up in such different places in such a short amount of time...last year to this year is like a complete 180...instead of sparkly unicorns like last year, I am now being given wild horses..And I’m becoming more and more okay with that. Honestly, this was so not my plan, I was supposed to be in broadcasting school right now...but God had a different idea. I love that God brings in the most random unexpected things to you when you need them the most, and that's what this school is for me...it's God answering my prayers for new doors and opportunities...exciting things. So I am humbled and grateful for this new door....Lord only knows what's behind it. I know I do not want to be a preacher of any kind; it's just not me...being a P.K. for 10 years and counting is enough thank you. But I am going because I long to become stronger in my walk with God. I want to know what it is to hear the Spirit, and respond to His nudges. I want to become a spiritually strong woman of God. I want to grow, and dive, and immerse myself in all God is...I want to feel His love pouring out on me. I want to spend my days in His presence alongside other likeminded people, learning about God's Truth. I want to come back home a more Christ centered person, wise in God, and more at peace. I just want the Spirit of the Living God to fall on me like an unquenchable fire, burning me up until I burst with His light. I want to be refreshed; I need to be reborn in Him. I want God to baptize my heart, soul, and mind. I want revelations, I want freedom, and I want knowledge. I want God. And all this, is why I am moving...why I am leaving what I know for 9 months, why I am stepping out in blind faith and trusting God with all I am...holding to Him while I walk this new and beautiful, uncomfortable, and confusing, exciting path. May God honor it and use every part of my story for His glory. -




"I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky to hang
The stars upon tonight

I, I'm a little divided
Should I stay or run away
Leave it all behind

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again" - "Times Like These" - Foo Fighters







~Cecily Priscilla

Cecily's slightly sarcastic and slightly awkward dating rules (a running list)

So, i feel like I've learned some things from my past dealings with guys...very stupid, albeit for awhile sweet, guys that i thought were special enough to let into my life...meh, i was kinda wrong. So, i turn now to hindsight and laughter, because that's how i think we should all approach things that sting, with a little laughter and a whole lot of sarcasm! And yes, while this list is meant to be kind of sarcastic, it is however also mostly true things that i now watch out for when getting to know a guy, life lessons baby.



*Note; the things on this list were all real experiences I've had with guys...this is a sad fact.*

1. Never date a guy who wears tighter jeans than you do. Ladies, if his jeans are so tight that he can't get his phone out of his pocket, there's something not quite right. He's probably way too into himself and you don't need a shallow boy.


2. Never date a guy who tells you he wants to bake with you, or that he would love if you baked him cookies...i'm not sure why exactly, but all i know is that both guys who told me this turned out to be idiots. Just trust me on this one.


3. Never date a guy who just moved to your state less than 6 months before you met him. These guys are unstable because they are in a new environment and lonely, therefore they don't know what they want. Their unreliability and fickleness will end up hurting you, and possibly driving you to murder...save yourself the prison time and just be friends with the guy until he's established himself in your state (and when i say "just be friends" i mean it, no hugging,hand holding, kissing, flirting...just friends girls, trust me!)...this could take at least 6 more months to a year, but you'll be thankful in the end.


4. Never go out with a guy who has a rock star complex and thinks he looks like members of rock bands. He's insecure and doesn't know who the hell he is, so he has to recycle an identity. You need a man who knows exactly who he is, not a fake who is mentally stuck in middle school still trying to be "cool". This rule is especially important to follow if the dude can't even play an instrument, thinks he should play one, but doesn't have the guts to try...wanna be musicians are not boyfriend material sweetie.


5. Avoid guys who are obsessed with your purity and talk about it like it's the "holy grail". Trust me, being put on a "purity pedestal" by your boyfriend is not cool, and leaves you feeling like a weird porcelain doll in a glass bubble. Plus, it's just crazy awkward to be told over and over how awesome your virginity is. Find a guy who respects your purity and loves it about you, but who will refrain from constantly mentioning it to you and won't act like you are untouchable and perfect.


6. Never go out with a guy who tells you he will show you some "self defence" moves in his basement....because honey, that ain't all he wants to show you! I think what this means should be obvious, but I'll say it anyway...the boy wants your goods, don't give it girl...wait for the diamond! ;p


7. Stay away from guys who have previously been engaged and/or bought an engagement ring for a girl. These guys are just bad news. Now i'm sure there are cases where the guys really just did get screwed over, but make sure before you get involved with him. Make sure he is over his ex and not rebounding, and has emotionally healed from that past engagement. Guys who have not healed from their last heartbreak, especially if the relationship was headed towards marriage, may get obsessive over you and move very fast as a way of compensating for their broken relationship. Once their obsessiveness wears out they will leave and you will want to egg their car.


8. If the guy your going out with still has his ex girlfriends paintings in the trunk of his car, run the other way girl!


9. Never lend a guy your favorite books...especially if they are a trilogy of three books! Wait for a committed relationship before you give him reading material, because then you are more likely to see those books again and avoid re-buying them (*Sigh* i miss my Ted Dekker books! ). And furthermore, in the case that your boyfriend does have some of your books and you break up, he should then give you the money to buy those books again, because you will never want your old books back for the simple reason that he touched them and all you would want to do is burn them.


10. Run away from guys who start a sentence with "my therapist thinks", and end it with "about you". You never want to date a guy who discusses you with his therapist, because there will always be three people in your relationship...you, your boyfriend...and his intern of a therapist who works part time at Whole Foods.

That's all for now friends! I'll be randomly posting more slightly sarcastic rules in the coming posts...stupid guys give you too much material ;) Here's to hindsight and the laughter it brings! Cheers!

~Cecily Priscilla

Things to live by - I will remember; i am loved, i am strong, i am sassy!

I was writing a blog to post here,it was long and i didn't feel like finishing it since i am very sleepy and have a migraine the size of my lovely state of Texas...and then i realized something; i only have a few things i need to say tonight. So here is a running random/not so random if you know my life list of things/rules i want to remember. Cheers!



1. I refuse to harden my heart, it will always stay open.

2. Life is beautiful :)

3. I refuse to settle for what this word tells me i need. I refuse to get restless and go off God's path and become a person my own family wouldn't even recognize.

4. I refuse to love selfishly, thinking only of myself and my needs. I will put people first, and be respectful and considerate.

5. I refuse to hate. I refuse to hold in anger and resentment

6. God's freedom is glorious, i will not forget that.

7. I will love open and honestly, i will love and serve with everything in me.

8. I will let Love wash over me, i will let it change me,heal me.

9. I am not weak, and i refuse to lay down at the first sign of trouble.

10. I am a strong woman of God. I am the Kings daughter. I am valuable and beautiful. I am not a plaything, here for some one's pleasure. God gave me a brain and i will use it. I have a Godly purpose, and i will devote my life to fulfilling it.

11. I am one sassy chica! This kitty has got some serious attitude and gumption baby! Hells yeah!

12. I will not be a stupid girl and fall for men that are harmful to me and my walk with God.

13. I am gold. My price is above rubies (Proverbs 31:10).

14. I will continue to serve my God no matter what. I am so in love with Him and i will never leave His side.

15. I LOVE, AND AM LOVED.




Praise God for His love and faithfulness. I am always in awe of Him, He makes me smile and dance :)




Playlist:

True things - JJ Heller
Don't You Know You're Beautiful - Seabird
Every Little Thing - Hawk Nelson
One Girl Revolution - Superchick
Cherry Bomb - The Runaways
Headed Home - Lanae Hale
Unbreakable - Fireflight
Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot
With You - Sarah Kelly
Motion - Plumb







~Cecily Priscilla

To find you / I believe in LOVE.

Do i even know you anymore? Would i even know you? You seem so very far way...worlds and oceans. I miss you my sweet boy. I miss your arms around me. I miss your scruffy beard against my cheek, and the way it used to mess up my hair when you laid your head atop mine. I look at our pictures and it is clear, i do not know you anymore my friend. You are gone. You, my sweet strong boy, you have changed so very much. You are not the same...but then again neither am i. Could we find each other again? You and i, could we find our way back to a place where we share hearts again. Maybe we could find a better place this time,one that won't go up in flames, or be rocked by the worlds storms and quakes. I want to find you; I pray to God you want to find me too. Let us ask our Lord to show us where to look. Look for me my love, please look all around you...find me my dear.





I was reading through some older documents on my computer when i came across that ^....i wrote it last year. It's pretty obvious what i was feeling...i missed the guy i loved and i wanted to know him again. The heart is a funny thing, it feels things that you can't explain or understand...and it feels these things whether you like it or not. I'm not very fond of love, only because i hate when it ends and i have to detach myself from the person that i felt so deeply for...it hurts like hell, and feels like death...and i guess in some ways it is;it's the death of a friendship. I hate missing someone so much that you feel like your heart is going to explode. I've come to find out love is like getting punched in the gut over and over and over, leaving you breathless, exhausted and dazed. However, i refuse to be a jaded person (even though i am on many days), and i have to believe that love doesn't have to hurt, that it heals and sooths, instead of breaking and bruising. I believe in true love. I believe in honest, pure, raw, and real true love. Dear God, help me believe you redeem the human heart.










~Cecily Priscilla

"D" for dysfunctional.

Sometimes, when my mind drifts and i think about it, i regret that it never happened. You can determine what "it" is. But really, in my heart, i don't. In my heart, which is so conflicted sometimes (all the time) i know that He had my best interest at heart. So I've been thinking, and i have come to the conclusion that i really i have no idea what i need. I have no idea what is best for me, and what is not...maybe somewhere deep down there's a voice that tells me, but i don't listen to that voice, because that voice rips me from you. I heard that voice before, i heard it so clearly for weeks, i felt that voice nudging me to speak up, to confront...but i didn't.

No one in this word infuriates me more than you do, and that fact really annoys me. Punching you would be so sweet, hugging you is my fantasy...tell me, what the hell am i supposed to do with that? Should love really make you so angry, so pissed off, so furious and frustrated? I want to throw you up against a brick wall, steal the breathe from your lungs with my kiss...you always were so twisted dear, but so am i. Look what you have me thinking love, what you make me feel...anger, and desire all at the same time. It's not right. I thought it was going to be different. Maybe i was wrong...but i think i am right, love is not, and can not, be a fruitless fight. Love can't be a circular triangle of mixed emotions and roller coaster premonitions. Love can't be "i think i should stay" and then turn around and say "i think it's best for me to leave". I refuse to accept that love is disposable, and reversible. Love is not bipolar, love is not selfish and cold, like you, like him. This is not what i waited my whole life for. You are not what i am waiting for. And yet, my heart still longs to hold you again...to be near you, and feel you so close to me...to snuggle into you and lay my head against your chest...to hold your hand in mine again. Why? I don't want this. I don't want you. You offered me an illusion, a mirage of you and i...so close, and yet so far away...so fake, yet so deeply burning real. You're not real, you never were. I need real. I deserve more than you offered. I don't want what you have to offer me, i won't settle for less than all of your heart. You won't give me more than your rehearsed lines, i won't give you what's not yours. Nothing has changed has it? Yet, we are so different aren't we? Living on opposite sides of the universe, staring through double sided glass, never in time with each others beat. You are the one that will plague me, i am the one that will always be in your heart. Oh what a tragic tale love is, i only wish i would have known before i let you in...

I would have done things the same.








~Cecily Priscilla

So far away, my friend...i miss you.

I miss you...it's weird to go from being so close to being so far away. I really just miss you...just you. I want to talk with you, laugh with you...i want us to hang out like we used to. Remember all the jokes, the ones that couldn't have been less funny but always made us cry from laughing so hard? Remember the visits, the car rides, the trips...i remember them so well. I really miss you. It's like we live on separate planets. You and i, we chose different roads. We all chose different roads. You used to be right there running next to me, then somewhere you lost your footing and fell behind. You left me running alone. You left us. Take my hand again, friend. Take my hand, i'm reaching for you. Don't get off the path, stop letting the world turn your head. Come back and run with me again. Come back to us, because i miss you. You left a hole, yes when you left you took a part of my heart, the part that was and is reserved for you, that part of me could never be filled by anyone else, it's yours friend. You are my heart. I miss my friend. I miss my friend so, so dearly. I'm always here for you. You can always call on me, and i will help you run again. I love you...you should know i love you.





~Cecily Priscilla

Summertime spontaneity...oh how you scare me.

In the summertime i tend to get myself into things then i often wonder "what the hell did i just get myself into??!!" Yeah. Last summer i decided to just say yes to something because it was exciting and i was way too curious and smitten, and for a while (short while) it was great...then it just lead to me getting ignored for a week and a half and getting the "kiss off" (inside joke) with a fifteen minute phone call....not really a moment that made me say "yay", it more made me say "screw you, you selfish, indecisive, dramatic jerk".

However, despite the crappy ending, i wouldn't trade any of the moments that came before, because i really loved every second i got to spend with that person, and those memories made my summer.


So why am i reflecting on a bad past "almost relationship". Well, because i am once again finding myself saying "what the hell did i get myself into?" and i really need to remind myself that taking chances and stepping out of my comfort zone can be a good thing....and my "almost relationship" with a guy i met online is my best example...that's sad...wish i had a more of an exciting example...boys can be so boring.

Anycats, the upcoming things in my life are terrifying me because i feel so unprepared. Change and new things are uncomfortable, i'm scarred of not finding a small bit of comfort in these new things...i'm scarred i won't settle in well...that i won't fit.

I tend to over think things, i think about something over and over so much that i freak out about every little detail and thing that could possibly go wrong. That's why i made the vow to stop over thinking...to just jump. Not easy sometimes, and right now i'm finding it not too easy.

At the beginning of the year i made the commitment to never say "no" to any door that opened in front of me. I made the vow to step right into the unknown...to pursue it. I prayed for change, i asked God to give me new and exciting things...especially after that stupid "15 minute phone call" (that is now a source of humor for myself and my friends). My new year prayer was for new, happy, exciting, and substantial things...things that won't fade away, but things and opportunities that are eternal.

Now, summer again, i see that God is giving me the things i asked Him for...He's giving me so much, so many opportunities to give, and love, and serve, and grow. God is giving me "new", He's giving me "exciting" and He's giving me "substance". And i can't wait to see what is next.

BUT, while God is trying to work in my life, i am terrified of what that means for me...what that means for my comfort. It's going to be a lot of work, and it's going to be sticky and messy and weird and awkward...but, can't i handle that? I mean, i pretty darn good with "awkward" and "weird". So yes, i can handle that. I am a very strong woman of God, and i can handle anything that comes my way, so long as i am connected and following my Lord. I have overcome many things, i can take on the world. Everything is scary when you first try it. One thing i learned is that every single person feels awkward...everyone is just trying to find their place...and i find so much comfort in knowing that! lol. I just have to remind myself of it.

So, i will step out. I will take a deep breathe, and get into this messy, beautiful, and sometimes uncomfortable world. And i will have fun. Yes, i will have fun and smile while i am learning new things and experiencing the doors that God has opened for me. I will discover what He wants to teach me though all the newness, and i will bring that knowledge back with me.






I pray once again dear Father, please bring me new and beautiful things, bring me exciting and happy smile things. Please use my life, use all of me, for Your glory and purpose. I want to be Your hands and feet to this world, so take me where You want me to be. Only let me say what You want me to say, and do only what You want me to do. I dedicate this time in my life to You God, my Savior, my King, my Love. Take me on an adventure, Father. Let my life be one of substance and eternal truths, let my life be a testament to Your saving grace. Be with me dear Lord, don't ever leave my side for a second, i need You right now, i need You with me so i can do these things. Please take my hand, and hold my heart, and protect me from harm and emotional pain. Heal the things in me that hurt, take my shame, pain, rejection, fear, anger, insecurity, and every thing that blocks You from me. Heal it all and make it shine with Your light. Make my life a beautiful portrait of You. I love you Lord, I love you so much. I praise you Father, for You are Truth. You set me free. Thank you for loving me. Please continue to be with me through all these changes. In Jesus mighty name i pray, Amen.





~Cecily Priscilla

Discontented dreams and scattered thoughts…

Tonight I'm feeling a bit frustrated, i guess some things have been on my mind lately. I had a couple sucky dreams last night, one was another one of my reoccurring tornado dreams, and the other,well...it just left me in a weird mood all day. You know those dreams that you have that seem so real, you can feel everything as if it were happening...and then you wake up and realize that it was just all a dream, and it's not real....yeah i had one of those dreams last night. I hate those dreams the most, they leave you feeling discontent and dissatisfied. They leave you in a daze, and they leave you wanting.

I don't know why i feel like i should apologize for feeling these feelings, because i know they are valid. But i feel like i shouldn't feel them, that it is selfish, foolish, and childish (that's a lot of "ish's") to feel this way.

I'm so ready for change. I'm so ready for new and exciting. Not that i don't like my life right now, because i actually do like it a lot....i love the new and amazing things God has given me...He has given me a youth ministry and i am just loving it! But, i am ready for a new stage in my life, and i think God has been preparing for some of it...all of it. And I'm ready for it. Turning 21 really did that to me; it made me ready to live. And live i shall, there is so much life to live...so much to feel and experience.

Anyhow,i feel a bit detached today...and a bit scared? Sometimes i really freak out at the possibility of opening up to people, especially new people. Today i was doing some thinking about the future and instantly the first thing that went through my head was "I'm not going let anyone get too close to me! I'm not going to open up!". Wow. I thought i was waaaay past that. I guess I'm not...at least sometimes. I sometimes want to just close my heart off, just put up walls...i want to be stubborn...i want to just brush off emotion. But yet, i long to be known. I long to be held, and loved. I long to talk, and share, and connect. I am a very relational person, i thrive on human connection, i need to know people, and i need them to know me. I very much love people, i love their diversity and uniqueness, and i love meeting new people who then become new friends. But, i have no more tolerance left in me to keep getting hurt and being taken for granted. I really just am a bit nervous to get to know someone, because in my experience people are incredibly fickle and selfish, and they leave when they get restless. This i know is their problem and not mine, but still, it doesn't feel too great when i get the brunt of it. But, i am not a cynic (or at least i try not to be), and i know that there are amazing people out there who are not so crappy. How do i know this? Well, because i have some of the most beautiful and special, and wonderful people in my life. My friends and family are the most incredible people i know, and i am beyond blessed to know them and have such a deep and special connection with them. They are my heart. So, in conclusion, i will keep on opening my heart...like i can help it anyway, it's just who i am, i can't help but to love and share.

*Sigh* I'm sleepy. So this blog is now going to end, because i have to get to sleep and then wake up and live my life with the beautiful people God has given me. And who knows what tomorrow may hold anyway...i may bake some cupcakes…or maybe that Paula Dean frosting i just saw on her show today….and then there's a couple other new recipes i want to try out. And i have to study for my youth meeting I'm leading on Sunday, so that should be...interesting? lol. But, maybe somewhere in there, there will be something new and spontaneous...something exciting. Something to giggle about, because i quite love giggling. Cheers!

~Cecily Priscilla

New and Beautiful...

It's funny, after looking back on some of my old journal/blog entries from April and May of last year i realized something; i thought i knew what God was telling me then...i found out i was half right, but He was teaching me and preparing me for so much more than i ever could have imagined then. May of last year was a horrible month that i cringe at thinking back on, but i grew spiritually during that time. Thank you Jesus for the painful times, because that's when my walls and defences come undone and i finally see you, i am drawn to you, and then i become who you created me to be...i become more like You. You make all things new.

Our God makes all things new. He makes all things beautiful in it's time. I love that. He can take the most horrible situations and the most painful things, and bring His redemptive touch to it and it's new and beautiful again. Our God is lovely and i'm continuously in awe of Him.



Revelation 21:5 "Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me, "Write, for these words are true and faithful."



New and beautiful, your redemption makes me new -

God makes all things beautiful in it's time. Oh God make me beautiful in your eyes. Through all life's trials and wounds, through all the storms and lightning strikes. And through every drop of blood and every tear, and every scar, make your perfect light shine through, and make my cut and bruised heart new. For it is in your eyes i long to dwell, in your presence i make my home, so please dear Jesus make me a beautiful heart and bring your light to shine out the filth and dirt. I am broken, Father. I am lying filthy in the mud. But you pick me up and dance with me. You give me new garments and wash me clean, you make me feel beautiful again.




Ecclesiastes 3:11
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."


Isaiah 61:10 "I will be full of joy in the Lord, my soul will be glad in my God; for he has put on me the clothing of salvation, covering me with the robe of righteousness, as the husband puts on a fair head-dress, and the bride makes herself beautiful with jewels."


Zechariah 3:4 "And he spoke and said unto those that stood before him, saying, Take away the filthy garments from off him. And unto him he said, See, I have caused thine iniquity to pass from thee, and I clothe thee with festival-robes."






~Cecily Priscilla

A Walk Down Pop Music Memory Lane - My Pop Music Playlist

Last night i was reading through some blogs on Xanga and came across one that a girl had posted listing her favorite pop songs of the '90's and early 2000's. I loved reading through this girls list, it brought back so many memories! I was a huge bubble gum popper back in '98-2000, probably because my older sister Krystal was too...i blame her! Anycats, because both Krys and i were huge '90's pop fans we decided to make a playlist of our own favorite songs from that time. All the songs on the lists remind me of dancing around my room with my best friend, pretending that we were "famous" singers lol, or riding around town with Krys and our cousins Erika, Pam, and Ashley, just laughing about random things...and me telling them how they were never going to marry Justin Timberlake haha. Fun times!!! So here's to going down memory lane...pop style! haha. As Switchfoot would say "You can shut your ears and your eyes, but pop will never leave you alone". Cheers!



~Cecily's '90's and Early 2000 Pop Music Playlist~

1.Never Ever - All Saints
2.Candy - Mandy Moore
3.Slave For You - Britney Spears
4.Too Much - Spice Girls
5.Mamma Mia - A Teens
6.Ce st La Vi - Be*witched
7.Smile - Vitamin C
8.Say My Name - Destiny's Child
9.If You Had My Love - Jenifer Lopez
10. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom- Selena
11.So Emotional - Christina Aguilera
12.Talk To Me - Wild Orchid
13.Crush - Jennifer Page
14.Where My Girls At - 702
15.Wanna Be A Baller - Lil Troy
16.Summer Girls - LFO
17.Ray Of Light - Madonna
18.There You Go - Pink
19.Mambo Number 5 - Lou Bega
20.Scrubs - TLC

~Honorable Mentions~

21.Don't Say You Love Me - M2M
22.Miami - Will Smith
23.Como La Flor - Selena

So you'll notice that my list is missing two really popular boy bands from the '90's...Nsync and Backstreet Boys. I HATED both groups..mainly because my sister and cousins LOVED them and that annoyed me...oh how i was tortured by those dang boys music! BUT, my playlist felt incomplete without including at least one song by each group. So here is, the only two songs that i kinda liked by two boy bands i hated.

1. Girlfriend - *Nsync
2. Everybody - Backstreet Boys



~Krystal's 90's and Early 2000 Pop Music Playlist ~

1. I Want You Back - *Nsync
2. Everybody - Backstreet Boys
3. (You Drive Me) Crazy - Britney Spears
4. Genie In A Bottle - Christina Aguilera
5. The Things You Do - 5ive
6. Talk To Me - Wild Orchid
7. I'll Be There For You - Solid Harmonie
8. Summer Girls - LFO
9. Never Ever - All Saints
10. Viva Forever - Spice Girls
11. Crush - Jennifer Paige
12. Someday - Sugar Ray
13. My favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow
14. Uninvited - Alanis Morissette
15. The Music Sounds Better With You - Stardust
16. Mirror, Mirror - M2M
17. Waiting For Tonight - Jennifer Lopez
18. Candy - Mandy Moore
19. I'm Gonna Love You Forever - Jessica Simpson
20 (Tie) Kiss Me - Sixpence None The Richer & Rollercoaster - Be*Witched

~Honorable Mention ~
22. Scrubs - TLC
23. Torn - Natalie Imbruglia

~Hated Pop Songs ~
1. Livin' La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin
2. MMMBop - Hanson




~Cecily Priscilla

Beautiful Again...

At times of brokenness i find myself feeling unpretty, i don't feel beautiful when i am broken down and thrown out. If i am to be completely honest, sometimes i feel as beautiful as used up trash, crumpled up and thrown away in the dump. Life makes me feel like that sometimes, people and situations make me feel used. Dirt and mud in my cuts and scrapes, my face scuffed. I long to feel beautiful again. I long to feel clean and pure, my heart and mind, and soul longs to be cleansed. I desperately want to feel beautiful again, not outwardly, but inwardly beautiful...i want to be redeemed, baptized in the grace and purity of The Almighty God. Bright, shinny and new. Pure, set apart and renewed. Like sunrise on the first day of Spring, new and golden. Breathing in fresh pure air.


"Arise sweet daughter, morning's sunrise is on the horizon, you're just as stunning. You're becoming free, just like I intended. So be free my precious daughter, run and take all creation in, it's for you. Morning's sunrise is always new" my Father tells me, "Just like Your mercies" i say back. "Just like your future", my Father replies.

Sunrises are beautiful things...new beginnings and redemption are too.


I want to be held by someone who won't leave me. I long to feel protected and safe. Beautiful and valued, that's how i want to see myself, that's how i want to be treated. My heart above all else is scarred up, it has so many cuts and bruises, many, way too many, have been there since i was a child. Other scars are fresh and healing, others by the grace of God have healed. To be healed, to be whole and beautiful, to be loved...oh how those words leave me feeling so empty. Words are not my favorite things, i prefer actions. I don't put much stock in the words that are spoken to me, especially when they are coming from the mouth of a man, i never have. I need to see. I need action, not pretty words, not temporary apologies that all to soon turn into knifes and stab my soul once again. Show me you love me, show me in how you treat me, show me in respect and honor. Listen to me, and trust my thoughts and ideas. Care for me, but know that i am strong and can take care of myself. Don't control me. Don't hover over me and keep tabs. Don't make judgements, but let me make my own choices, my own mistakes. Let me have my own opinions, ideas, and personality. Embrace me, all of my heart and mind, and love me despite my flaws, praying them away instead of cutting them with your sharp tongue. Encourage me, tell me you believe in me, and that you're by my side no matter the outcome. When i cry, lend me your shoulder, and wipe my tears away. Talk to me when i'm upset, and listen to me rant, giving sound advice when needed. And hug me, take me in your arms, and hug me so very, very tightly. That's what i want, that's what i've always needed.


My Heavenly Father gives me all of those things and more, and yet, i still want it here on earth...My Abba will supply all my needs accordingly. I love my Savior, i love him so very deeply.



~ Cecily Priscilla

Sometimes...I Want To Punch You...

Sometimes i want to punch you. We're are never on the same page, and when i'm here you're not and when you're there i'm not...and it's all so screwed up and nonsensical. Your words are like knifes even when they're pretty, even when they are not directed at me. Your words which used to sooth me and make me so happy, now just serve to kill me...they sting, sting more than i could have ever imagined. They knock the breath out of me, but then again, you have always knocked the breath out of my lungs...in every good and bad way. Why can't you just go away, go away...i don't want you to go away, i can't let you go.

And everything just makes me anxious. And everything just makes me cry. Why did you hurt me so deeply, why did you never say the word "goodbye". You did it to save your own skin, you did it to keep the door open. But honey, this door is tattered and stripped. And it's getting cracked and unhinged from trying to fight gravity and stay open waiting for you to come through it. So "let me pull it closed, let me nail it shut", is what i pray to our dear God. But even when i pray those words to make you wash away, a second later i'm praying for a second chance with your cold heart.

When you are here, it feels as if you are sucking the life out of me, my soul pulls and my breath becomes shallow. The tears in my eyes i can not contain, and they run down my check. The blood in my veins you do take my dear, leaving me nothing to sustain my heart and mind. And then, just as quick as you came, you disappear in the night, and my breath returns and my lungs inflate. I gasp as i breathe life in again, tired, and my limbs blue. I'm light headed and dizzy, spinning, spinning, spinning from the throws, punches and twists of your love. You honey, knock the breath out of me. Missing you sweet friend, makes me dead and then brings me to life again, i become the walking dead because i can't wash your poison from my veins.



~ Cecily Priscilla

Songs From The Cd Player I Call My Mind, Aka, My Playlists

So it's no secret to my friends and family that i adore making mix cds, i think everyone i know or have known has at least 3 mixes from me lol. It's a passion of mine. My dream is to one day pursue a career in radio so arranging playlists just seems like an important thing to do. When i make a mix i spend hours choosing the right songs and arranging them in the perfect order...the order of a track listing is so important and it can make or break a cd. The track order can create a mood if done right, it can inspire feelings of hope, happiness, healing, or motivation. When i give someone a mix i am giving a part of myself to that person, i am giving a bit of my heart through a cd. I also love receiving mixes, my friend Amanda and i send mixes back and forth to each other (we live hours apart) and i love it. I always look forward to receiving a mix made by her for me, and i enjoy personalizing a playlist with her in mind. You learn a lot about someone through the songs they listen to and choose to share with you. So since i have such a passion for mixes i thought i'd start posting my playlists here in my blog. I hope you take the time and check out the songs for yourselves, and maybe burn the mix on a cd of yours. Cheers!

I will focus on two mixes today, the first is one that i just finished but had been written in my mind for a while now.

Playlist Title: "All dolled up and ready to take over the world, yo! Or at least make you pray i was yours, baby"

Getting ready for your day is important, the way you present yourself to the world says who you are and shows what you think of yourself. But you can't just have the look, yes the makeup and hair is important, but you must have the attitude, you must be sassy. And to get you in that sassy "I'm adorable and unique, and i can take you on" attitude, you must have the right music playing while you go about your beauty routine. This is my perfect "get ready" mix, each song gets me in a playful and rockin mood, and leaves me feeling sassy,sexy,beautiful,feminine, and most importantly confident, encouraged, and empowered.

Track Listing:

1. I Think I'm Paranoid - Garbage
2. Lithium - Nirvana
3. Oh! Emetophobia - Showbread
4. One Girl Revolution - Superchick
5. Free To Be Me - Francesca Battistelli
6. Hush - Inhabited
7. Fever - Family Force 5
8. Juice Box - The Strokes
9. Beautiful - Tristan Prettyman and Jason Mraz
10. I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry
11. Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
12. Motion - Plumb
13. Shine - Krystal Meyers
14. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
15. Hello - Hawk Nelson
16. Right Round - Flo Rida
17 Make D*** Sure - Taking Back Sunday
18. You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette
19. London Bridge - Fergie
20. Dance Dance Dance - Lykke Li
21. Rock 'N Roll Queen - The Subways
22. Superstar - Stephanie Smith


The next mix i'm posting is one from last year, created on August 4th '09, it has some good memories attached.

Paylist Title: "August '09 Sort of Road Trip Mix"

So this is one of my very favorite mixes i've made, personally i think every song fits just right. It has just the right amount of upbeat to mellow ratio, filled with some dance, rock, pop,and melodic songs. I made it for a sort of road trip with someone back in August of '09, and though we talked through most of it lol, the person i was driving with enjoyed it, and that made me very happy.


Track Listing:

1. Juicebox - The Strokes
2. Drive My Car - The Beatles
3. California - Hawk Nelson
4. If I Ever Leave This World Alive - Flogging Molly
5. Summertime - Mae
6. Bring Em Out - Hawk Nelson
7. Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
8. Rewind - Deas Vail
9. Play It Loud - Mxpx
10. Oh! Emetophobia - Showbread
11. Trollywood - Eisley
12. Hot Cooking - G-Love
13. Make D*** Sure - Taking Back Sunday
14. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab For Cutie
15. Car Song - Elastica
16. Mouth Like A Magazine - Showbread
17. I Woke Up In A Car - Something Corporate
18. Rock 'N Roll Queen - The Subways
19. Are You Going To Be My Girl - Jet
20. Late Show - Hawk Nelson
21. Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve
22. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - Anberlin (The Smiths cover)



~ Cecily Priscilla