Have you ever had a year that was so draining and so testing that you don’t think you can take anymore, and all you want to do is collapse and crawl in a hole until the year is over and the hope of a new year presents itself? Yeah, I think we all have at one point or another.
Oh this year, what can I say? You have given me so much, so many happy things and moments…so many new friends and experiences. I learned so many things, grew so much, felt grace and love and confirmation from both friends and God. This year has been beautiful.
But, this year has also tested me so much…too much. I am beginning to feel like life is one big fight…a fight to say alive, a fight to love, and a fight to pursue what is right. And maybe is it a fight, and maybe that is is perfectly okay; Living, loving, and following a Godly path are beautiful wonderful things worthy of a fight. I will continue to fight for them because they are what life is about.
Nevertheless, the fight I am talking about is the fight to keep your head above water…the fight to breathe. Lately I have been finding it hard to keep my head from going under…I have been finding it hard to breathe. I am in need of some rescue by my Almighty God.
The thing is, I feel like I can’t tell people this. I have to be the strong resilient Christian girl; I can’t let them see that I am drowning. They all think I am strong and brave, so adult and think I handle things so well…when really, I feel anything but "well" and "strong" and "brave". I feel weak. I feel confused. I feel so tired and lost. And…a bit forgotten. Is that okay? Can the pastor’s daughter, the "good mature Christian girl" (ack!!!! blah!!!!), feel this crappy and sad? What would they think if they knew I am not alright right now? I put on a brave face in front of them…even when I get a bit emotional, it is still a braver face then I am feeling on the inside. They don’t know how hard this is for me. And in all honesty, I don’t want them too. This is my issue, and I want to deal with this in a very quiet way. Sometimes when you are the "P.K." people think they are helping, but really they are invading your privacy…at 21 I am very big on having a private life. I am naturally a private person when it comes to what I am going through, and I prefer it that way. I will share information on a one on one basis if i feel I can trust someone, but if I choose not to talk about something, I would love if people would respect that.
However, let’s put that aside for the moment and talk about the real thing here; I really need it to be okay that I am not okay. Instead of patting me on the back and telling me it’s going to be okay, I need someone to lay their hands on my head on pray for me. I need someone stronger than me to help me gain some strength. I need to be surrounded in prayer by Christians who love me, and I need to cry and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I just want a little help to stand, because I feel so weak.
I just want to go away somewhere…escape for a while. Oh, to go to Seattle…or Boston…anywhere really. I wish to be taken away…to be whisked away to a far off destination…away from problems and complications. I want someone to hold me. I want to be held so tightly until I feel safe and secure. I don’t want to have to put on the "I’m good" face…I just want to be held and cry, and have that be totally and completely fine.
So, I should sleep now because I probably need to. I will end this blog with this; while I am far from okay right now, I know that My God is with me, and He will make my paths straight. And while I don’t feel like I can be open about my struggles, I know I can talk about them with My Jesus and He will understand. Oh yes, our sweet Lord understands the way we hurt and fall, He knows…He knows. It is in His loving eyes, we are seen as beautiful, not broken, not weak, or imperfect, but beautiful creations, beautiful reflections of Him. I am His daughter. Praise Him. I am His daughter, and I am humbled and honored. Oh, to sit at the feet of the one who made me…that is where I want to be. I long to be at my Lords feet worshiping Him on my hands and knees. I love Him. When nothing else makes sense, His sweet strong love is what holds my world together. Halleluiah. My Abba is strong and He loves me. Selah.
With everything in my soul, everything I am, I cry "Halleluiah, I am Yours, forever and always fully Yours!" Take my life and make it shine with your light! My Jesus I am your servant.
Grace and peace to you friends.
~Cecily Priscilla
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