Beautiful Again...

At times of brokenness i find myself feeling unpretty, i don't feel beautiful when i am broken down and thrown out. If i am to be completely honest, sometimes i feel as beautiful as used up trash, crumpled up and thrown away in the dump. Life makes me feel like that sometimes, people and situations make me feel used. Dirt and mud in my cuts and scrapes, my face scuffed. I long to feel beautiful again. I long to feel clean and pure, my heart and mind, and soul longs to be cleansed. I desperately want to feel beautiful again, not outwardly, but inwardly beautiful...i want to be redeemed, baptized in the grace and purity of The Almighty God. Bright, shinny and new. Pure, set apart and renewed. Like sunrise on the first day of Spring, new and golden. Breathing in fresh pure air.


"Arise sweet daughter, morning's sunrise is on the horizon, you're just as stunning. You're becoming free, just like I intended. So be free my precious daughter, run and take all creation in, it's for you. Morning's sunrise is always new" my Father tells me, "Just like Your mercies" i say back. "Just like your future", my Father replies.

Sunrises are beautiful things...new beginnings and redemption are too.


I want to be held by someone who won't leave me. I long to feel protected and safe. Beautiful and valued, that's how i want to see myself, that's how i want to be treated. My heart above all else is scarred up, it has so many cuts and bruises, many, way too many, have been there since i was a child. Other scars are fresh and healing, others by the grace of God have healed. To be healed, to be whole and beautiful, to be loved...oh how those words leave me feeling so empty. Words are not my favorite things, i prefer actions. I don't put much stock in the words that are spoken to me, especially when they are coming from the mouth of a man, i never have. I need to see. I need action, not pretty words, not temporary apologies that all to soon turn into knifes and stab my soul once again. Show me you love me, show me in how you treat me, show me in respect and honor. Listen to me, and trust my thoughts and ideas. Care for me, but know that i am strong and can take care of myself. Don't control me. Don't hover over me and keep tabs. Don't make judgements, but let me make my own choices, my own mistakes. Let me have my own opinions, ideas, and personality. Embrace me, all of my heart and mind, and love me despite my flaws, praying them away instead of cutting them with your sharp tongue. Encourage me, tell me you believe in me, and that you're by my side no matter the outcome. When i cry, lend me your shoulder, and wipe my tears away. Talk to me when i'm upset, and listen to me rant, giving sound advice when needed. And hug me, take me in your arms, and hug me so very, very tightly. That's what i want, that's what i've always needed.


My Heavenly Father gives me all of those things and more, and yet, i still want it here on earth...My Abba will supply all my needs accordingly. I love my Savior, i love him so very deeply.



~ Cecily Priscilla

Sometimes...I Want To Punch You...

Sometimes i want to punch you. We're are never on the same page, and when i'm here you're not and when you're there i'm not...and it's all so screwed up and nonsensical. Your words are like knifes even when they're pretty, even when they are not directed at me. Your words which used to sooth me and make me so happy, now just serve to kill me...they sting, sting more than i could have ever imagined. They knock the breath out of me, but then again, you have always knocked the breath out of my lungs...in every good and bad way. Why can't you just go away, go away...i don't want you to go away, i can't let you go.

And everything just makes me anxious. And everything just makes me cry. Why did you hurt me so deeply, why did you never say the word "goodbye". You did it to save your own skin, you did it to keep the door open. But honey, this door is tattered and stripped. And it's getting cracked and unhinged from trying to fight gravity and stay open waiting for you to come through it. So "let me pull it closed, let me nail it shut", is what i pray to our dear God. But even when i pray those words to make you wash away, a second later i'm praying for a second chance with your cold heart.

When you are here, it feels as if you are sucking the life out of me, my soul pulls and my breath becomes shallow. The tears in my eyes i can not contain, and they run down my check. The blood in my veins you do take my dear, leaving me nothing to sustain my heart and mind. And then, just as quick as you came, you disappear in the night, and my breath returns and my lungs inflate. I gasp as i breathe life in again, tired, and my limbs blue. I'm light headed and dizzy, spinning, spinning, spinning from the throws, punches and twists of your love. You honey, knock the breath out of me. Missing you sweet friend, makes me dead and then brings me to life again, i become the walking dead because i can't wash your poison from my veins.



~ Cecily Priscilla