Tonight I can’t really breathe that well…not just because my heart is doing funny things mostly from my meds, but because my heart is feeling too weighed down. I don’t really ever deal with anything…ever. If something hurts or is hard, I push it away and go about life like normal, which works for me…until it refuses to be pushed away any longer and all pops out. These past day’s things I have pushed away have been fighting their way back to the surface. It hasn’t been very pretty to say the least.
Moving to a new state is a tough thing…moving away from everything and everyone you know is even harder.
It’s not at all that I don’t love my new life; being a newlywed with the most awesome man I’ve ever known, and living in a beautiful southern state with the most lovey white pear trees is literally a prayer answered. Marriage is nothing like I thought it would be…it’s so much better and more fun and sweetly sweeter than anything.
However, gosh oh my, not having my family here is hard as hell! I miss them so much! And strangely, I even miss my little town and everything In it….which is not much mind you! I miss our Sonic, and our Subway that my little cousin works at. I miss my sweet bay…which always had the faint (and sometimes not so faint) smell of dead fish, but is where I go to clear my head on my hardest of days, and where I go to feel close to God when I feel numb. That place holds so many special moments for me…some very painful and some very beautiful…I sat on those steps leading out to the water when my dreams fell apart…when my heart was broken by stupid boys, and when I confronted myself for the first time. But i also walked along that sidewalk with my mom and sister, laughing and talking about everything under the sun…so many times just walking, and somehow it made life actually okay, all those walks shaped me. I also walked there with my husband on the first day we met, and held hands with him on the rocks that led out into the water while staring out and thinking that my heart was finally full.
I miss those days.
I miss the things I know so well, because when you are somewhere so new, sometimes you just ache for the familiar…the things that are yours. The things you know so very well. I ache for that right now. For my family that is mine and I can be silly crazy or crappy moody with them and they still love me and know I’m just oddly me. The morning talks I had with my mom, and the late night talks with my sister…the car rides around town listening to crappy top 40 and just being us…I have the most awesome sister and mom, so very fun to be around…so very perfect for me. Gosh, I just miss them….
I ache for the streets I know, and the food I know. My own room with my fluffy white comforter and my awful purple curtains…the bulletin board that held pictures of friends and tickets from rock shows. So many times just going into my room and laying under my blanket with the light on (always on) and making the world disappear for a while was how I dealt…I did that here the other day…it helped, but was not the same.
This post is getting whinny and long, so I suppose I shall stop, but I just needed to say that I miss everyone and everything…and I hope my loved ones knows I think of them every single day, and miss those simple/hard times as well. But, in life, every blessing has its own set of curses…but I in no way want to make it sound like my marriage and new GA life are a curse …no, they are so very beautiful and wonderful and so very magical. The hope and possibilities are endless…the future is so very bright! I have my own family in the making! How freakin’ cool is that! I have someone I go to bed with every night and wake to to every morning…I have a best friend like I never thought possible! So yes, while I’m sad about the past, I’m happy for my future and thankful for my present. And with that, I say goodnight world…and goodnight my sweet Texas.
~Cecily Priscilla
