"D" for dysfunctional.

Sometimes, when my mind drifts and i think about it, i regret that it never happened. You can determine what "it" is. But really, in my heart, i don't. In my heart, which is so conflicted sometimes (all the time) i know that He had my best interest at heart. So I've been thinking, and i have come to the conclusion that i really i have no idea what i need. I have no idea what is best for me, and what is not...maybe somewhere deep down there's a voice that tells me, but i don't listen to that voice, because that voice rips me from you. I heard that voice before, i heard it so clearly for weeks, i felt that voice nudging me to speak up, to confront...but i didn't.

No one in this word infuriates me more than you do, and that fact really annoys me. Punching you would be so sweet, hugging you is my fantasy...tell me, what the hell am i supposed to do with that? Should love really make you so angry, so pissed off, so furious and frustrated? I want to throw you up against a brick wall, steal the breathe from your lungs with my kiss...you always were so twisted dear, but so am i. Look what you have me thinking love, what you make me feel...anger, and desire all at the same time. It's not right. I thought it was going to be different. Maybe i was wrong...but i think i am right, love is not, and can not, be a fruitless fight. Love can't be a circular triangle of mixed emotions and roller coaster premonitions. Love can't be "i think i should stay" and then turn around and say "i think it's best for me to leave". I refuse to accept that love is disposable, and reversible. Love is not bipolar, love is not selfish and cold, like you, like him. This is not what i waited my whole life for. You are not what i am waiting for. And yet, my heart still longs to hold you again...to be near you, and feel you so close to me...to snuggle into you and lay my head against your chest...to hold your hand in mine again. Why? I don't want this. I don't want you. You offered me an illusion, a mirage of you and i...so close, and yet so far away...so fake, yet so deeply burning real. You're not real, you never were. I need real. I deserve more than you offered. I don't want what you have to offer me, i won't settle for less than all of your heart. You won't give me more than your rehearsed lines, i won't give you what's not yours. Nothing has changed has it? Yet, we are so different aren't we? Living on opposite sides of the universe, staring through double sided glass, never in time with each others beat. You are the one that will plague me, i am the one that will always be in your heart. Oh what a tragic tale love is, i only wish i would have known before i let you in...

I would have done things the same.








~Cecily Priscilla