Discontented dreams and scattered thoughts…

Tonight I'm feeling a bit frustrated, i guess some things have been on my mind lately. I had a couple sucky dreams last night, one was another one of my reoccurring tornado dreams, and the other,well...it just left me in a weird mood all day. You know those dreams that you have that seem so real, you can feel everything as if it were happening...and then you wake up and realize that it was just all a dream, and it's not real....yeah i had one of those dreams last night. I hate those dreams the most, they leave you feeling discontent and dissatisfied. They leave you in a daze, and they leave you wanting.

I don't know why i feel like i should apologize for feeling these feelings, because i know they are valid. But i feel like i shouldn't feel them, that it is selfish, foolish, and childish (that's a lot of "ish's") to feel this way.

I'm so ready for change. I'm so ready for new and exciting. Not that i don't like my life right now, because i actually do like it a lot....i love the new and amazing things God has given me...He has given me a youth ministry and i am just loving it! But, i am ready for a new stage in my life, and i think God has been preparing for some of it...all of it. And I'm ready for it. Turning 21 really did that to me; it made me ready to live. And live i shall, there is so much life to live...so much to feel and experience.

Anyhow,i feel a bit detached today...and a bit scared? Sometimes i really freak out at the possibility of opening up to people, especially new people. Today i was doing some thinking about the future and instantly the first thing that went through my head was "I'm not going let anyone get too close to me! I'm not going to open up!". Wow. I thought i was waaaay past that. I guess I'm not...at least sometimes. I sometimes want to just close my heart off, just put up walls...i want to be stubborn...i want to just brush off emotion. But yet, i long to be known. I long to be held, and loved. I long to talk, and share, and connect. I am a very relational person, i thrive on human connection, i need to know people, and i need them to know me. I very much love people, i love their diversity and uniqueness, and i love meeting new people who then become new friends. But, i have no more tolerance left in me to keep getting hurt and being taken for granted. I really just am a bit nervous to get to know someone, because in my experience people are incredibly fickle and selfish, and they leave when they get restless. This i know is their problem and not mine, but still, it doesn't feel too great when i get the brunt of it. But, i am not a cynic (or at least i try not to be), and i know that there are amazing people out there who are not so crappy. How do i know this? Well, because i have some of the most beautiful and special, and wonderful people in my life. My friends and family are the most incredible people i know, and i am beyond blessed to know them and have such a deep and special connection with them. They are my heart. So, in conclusion, i will keep on opening my heart...like i can help it anyway, it's just who i am, i can't help but to love and share.

*Sigh* I'm sleepy. So this blog is now going to end, because i have to get to sleep and then wake up and live my life with the beautiful people God has given me. And who knows what tomorrow may hold anyway...i may bake some cupcakes…or maybe that Paula Dean frosting i just saw on her show today….and then there's a couple other new recipes i want to try out. And i have to study for my youth meeting I'm leading on Sunday, so that should be...interesting? lol. But, maybe somewhere in there, there will be something new and spontaneous...something exciting. Something to giggle about, because i quite love giggling. Cheers!

~Cecily Priscilla