I think I have gotten to the point where I can listen to love songs without wanting to smash something…okay, so I still cringe a little and i can’t really think too hard about the lyrics, but I’m getting there…baby steps :)
I guess I’ve always been kind of jaded when it comes to the topic of “love”, but it just got somewhat worse at one point, ha! I wouldn’t give someone* too much credit though, because it wasn’t them that really enforced my jadedness…they just definitely did not help it. And, I’ll admit I was quite angry at the mention of love for while after that person, but really once you realize that YOU didn’t want what they were offering, it makes it a whole lot easier to get over the “grrness”.
Though, in all honesty, the thought of falling in love so deeply again really scares me…I find myself pulling further and further away from wanting it, and yet I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being ready for it.
Sometimes I’m not a very easy person to get to know, I like keeping people at arm’s length if possible, because there’s less of the chance of getting attached to each other, and then less of a chance of getting hurt. And then, of course, one reason I find myself backing away from people is that I guess I just don’t feel like anyone would really understand me if they knew me. If they knew about my struggles and pain…if they saw the scars, would they really understand? Would they really stay? I learned early on life that you can’t trust most people, now that’s not to say that I’m not trusting, because I am, but I find it hard to trust people with certain details of my life…there are areas that most people can’t know. I guess I’m just plain fearful of love in all forms.
It’s funny because I’m a very loving person, and I find it easy to just full on care for someone, but the hard part for me is letting someone love me…because their love might hurt. Whereas I know when my love is sincere, the other person’s on the other hand…well, let’s just say some people are toxic to the hearts of others. I am very mistrusting when it comes to the love of others, and that really stings to say.
I don’t even know what I want right now, and yet, I have such a clear picture. Maybe I do know what I want, but maybe I just don’t know when I want it…or how I will get it.
Love is really intense, at least it was for me, and I honestly don’t know if I have it in me to do that again…to be someone’s best friend and more, to pour out everything I have…to be open, so very open. I wonder, is love is like a leech, sucking the life out of its host? That’s what it was like for me last time…at the end at least. Not to say that I didn’t love pouring myself out to the person I was with, but it began to get draining for me…I was pouring out, and getting nothing back, and that really takes its toll.
And yet, I long to feel the beauty of love again...the spectacular feeling of being someone’s love and friend. The close and comfy everyday feeling of knowing someone cares for you, that someone smiles when they think of you. I miss those feelings…the simple act of holding hands with someone you love is one of the best feelings in the world; I miss it…and I’m so scared to have it again.
Nevertheless, i know I can love again. I will love intensely again. I will once again feel that safe and at peace in someone’s arms.
I crave the simple…simply to be loved, and to give love…it is so simple…and so simply special.
"I was thinking about how love (not just lust or codependency that commonly flood the tunes on the airways) actually involves quite a bit of faith. There's a lot of letting go involved. Two souls in love is an intricate dance of give and take. I can be a fairly solitary person from time to time. Sure, I love being with people, but I also need time alone. I guess I thrive on the poles. So this song is about the dance involved in a relationship the coming together and letting go. The song equates love with breathing- pulling in and releasing. Or a seed, for the seed to grow it has to be dropped and buried." - Jon Foreman of Switchfoot, explaining their song "Enough To Let Me Go"
~Cecily Priscilla
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