Sicky thoughts and overdue emotions...

I feel not so good tonight...sick being one of the reasons. But there are others.

I think that so many times i focus on other people and their well being that i forget about mine. I'm a worrier...if someone i love is in pain that is all i think about. But, in doing that i push off my own emotions and eventually they come up to bite me.

I'm a little overwhelmed with my own feelings as of late...i know  it's the enemy attacking my happiness but i can't help but give in and really believe its true. I strive so much for perfection. I always have  but at this moment in life its is all i want. All these insecurities and wants are popping up and i feel a bit out of control.

Life is a bit stressful right now with my husband having a big project deadline in the next couple months so i know i shouldn't be focusing on my issues but be helping him...but that's just it, when he works a lot all i have is time to focus on my issues.

I'm not sure what it is these days...or maybe i am...idk. I just feel like someone striving for everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe i'm board...maybe i'm lonely...maybe i just feel like i have something to prove. I'm pretty sure its the last one. All i know is i am about to burst in tears...or go on a big shopping binge...neither one will be pretty.

I've discovered something about myself: i am an emotional shopper. Yup. I am not proud of this. Thankfully i also have a hate for spending money so it equals and hasn't gotten bad...i just spend a long time on clothing sites and browse but not buy (that often).

I just feel like if i don't change my life now it will never change, i will feel this way forever and at this moment i don't think i can take that. I'm sick of feeling the way i have for most my life and i want to be over it. Just change it and be done with this crap.

Anycats, i guess i better get my sick self to bed. Hope for new mercies is want keeps me going. Goodnight world.


~Cec