Have you ever been to a place in life where you are empty…blank…free? That’s where I am, that is where my heart is right now; free, empty, a blank canvas, an open field…just waiting to be filled with life and fresh newly grown wildflowers of spring. This is the first time in my life I am not holding onto anything in my heart, no anger, hurt, vices, love, memories, depression, insecurities, addictions…nothing.
And it is terrifying and wonderful at the same time. Being empty is scary, it throws you off. It can chill your spine, the thought of being free…you are walking the tightrope without a net. You are void, and the fear is that there will be nothing to fill you up. Nothing will come. You will become numb. You will never feel again.
But, being free is so sweet, so lovely, and so magically beautiful. You have room, room to breathe, to stop and feel, to be quiet and pause. You have space for new things to bloom; you have openness for love and dreams. Your heart is open, and your soul is ready for receiving…receiving from God, and from others.
My heart is so empty right now, but empty in the best most gloriously painful and beautiful way. It doesn’t hurt, it just feels like growing. It feels like healing. It feels like freedom.
People have always told me that I am a free spirit, I always laughed at that statement, but honestly, it’s true; I long to be free, I have a fire on the inside of me that longs to burn with abandon. Yet, my soul longs to be weightless, as fee as the birds in the sky, soaring and gliding in the sunshine.
A friend once told me that I was a butterfly, but I was just waiting on my wings to grow. He was correct. He helped me grow my wings by holding my hand and helping me smile again…and also by hurting me, and leaving me. He opened my heart, but when he left it caved in with memories of the summer breeze that was us.
Healing from that was a long and hard road, I never want to walk it again…God was my oxygen then, for that took the breath from my lungs, and it took quite a while to get it back. I almost feel like I have been in the process of getting that breath back since then…healing takes time, because even when we have been released of love, there are still issues, insecurities, and pain of loss that have to find their resting place.
I have been healing and letting go of that, among many other things, for quite a while. But during that time, of course, life brought other things to hold to…I traded one love for another, one dream for the idea and hope of others….and so on.
I have always held onto something, whether it is a person, vice, pain, or dream…I have always had a “plan” in my back pocket, a plan of my own to get by. I have always had a nice little net. And I believe that God had given me some of those “nets” to get me by and give me hope and smiles, but I also know for a fact that I created a lot of them on my own.
Now, I find myself with no nets, they have all broken into pieces. Doors have shut. Things have been halted. My air feels stale and thick. I have no dream to cling to, for nothing feels right or timely. And I find myself having to be careful not to fall into numbness and apathy, because I know this time, this time of broken nets, is grace from my Heavenly Father. I read once that living in faith “enjoys God's ability to create”. It true, for every time we are empty, we walk in faith that God is creating new things to fit into our hearts. He is the Creator after all, He created you and all you see, the heavens and the earth, the bright sparkling stars and the crashing waves….how much more can He create in your life if you just believe in faith that He is doing something when you feel nothing?
This time of emotional freedom is a gift from my Lord, a signal to slow down and regroup, an invitation to step into His presence and bask and absorb His great love. This is the growing time. I am holding onto nothing. My heart is free. My heart, which has been so bound by chains for most of my life, is free. What beauty there is in freedom from dreams, because it is then God is able to create new dreams, new memories, and new experiences, with His hand print on them. Halleluiah. I am an open empty vessel, may my Lord fill me.
I am not sad about this emptiness, no, I am so happy! This is what I have been waiting for…I am so open, and there is room in my heart for so many new things! I am just waiting on my Jesus to bring them, to bring the new people, new opportunities, new feelings, and new adventures (I love adventures with my King!). How beautiful will the new be! Oh, who glorious will my heart feel when I am able to let the new in without fear and shadows of my past.
Praise the Almighty God, for He makes all things new, so Lord, make this girls heart new, for she seeking you, waiting for you to fill her. Yeshua, I know you are the only one who can fill me.
“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” - Isaiah 43:18-19
“And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” – Revelations 21:5
~Cecily Priscilla
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